My parents in the mid 1990’s
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the mars?
The food is great but there’s not much atmosphere.
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
What do pigs and ink have in common?
..they both belong in a pen….
It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
I’m Going to Kill that Parrot
A young women purchases a condo downtown. She is very excited as she can now walk to work every day. On her first day of walking to work she sees that there is a pet store on her way. As she gets closer, she notices that there is a parrot in front of the store sitting on a perch. When she gets closer, the parrot looks at her and says “Hey, lady!” The young woman warmly responds with “What Mr. Parrot?” The parrot says “you’re ugly!” The young woman is shocked and says “that’s not very nice, leave me alone” and goes on about her way. The next day the young woman is on her way to work and she encounters the parrot again. The parrot says “Hey lady!” and the woman responds cautiously with “What Mr. Parrot?” And the parrot says “you’re really ugly!” The woman tells the parrot to shut up and goes on to work. This happens day after day after day until one day, after the parrot tells her she’s ugly, she loses her cool and marches into the store to find the manager. She explains to the manager that she is tired of being harassed by this bird and he better do something or she’s going to kill it. The manager calmly explains to her that he’ll talk to the parrot and it’ll never happen again. The very next day the young woman is on her way to work and sure enough, she sees the parrot. As she approaches, the parrot looks at her and says, “Hey lady!” She responds with “What Mr. Parrot?” The parrot says “you know!”
My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.
Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.
My son told me he can’t go to school because he’s constipated
I think he's full of shit
What i If told you:
You read the title wrong.
When you wanted to be the princess but instead you’re the villian of her fairytale
https://ift.tt/2Wlpmgm
Why were people running towards Finland?
It was a race to the Finnish.
A world without women….
It would be a pain in the ass
Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women
Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is. "Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says. "Wow! And that works?" Mike asks. "Every time" Dave replies. So later that day, while his wife was in the shower, Mike bangs his dick on his bedside table and before he walks into his bathroom, he hears his wife. "Dave, is that you?"
How do you tell if noodles are old?
If they’re pasta expiration date.
Don’t try to get a career in counterfeiting.
You won't make any real money.
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
It’s pasteurized before you even see it.
How do you turn a joke into a dad joke?
You make the punchline apparent.
Three dads are stranded on a boat
Three dads are stranded on a boat drifting in the middle of the ocean. They begin to accept the inevitable and they all agree to smoke one last cigarette together before succumbing to starvation and dehydration. They open up the last pack of cigarettes to find the final four cigarettes. As they hold the cigarettes in their mouth, they quickly realize they have no way to light them. Each of them sit in silence puzzling over the situation they find themselves in. Finally one dad exclaims he has a solution, he takes the last cigarette out of the pack and toss it overboard. He then says to the other two dads “Now the whole boat is a cigarette lighter!”.
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
When you forget how to stand in your flesh disguise and an Earthling gets suspicious.
https://ift.tt/2Su1Knj
Constantly raising prices without raising wages haha yay
Constantly raising prices without raising wages haha yay
A burglar stole all of my lamps.
I should be upset, but actually I’m delighted!
Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.
For example: Ben is in a hurry. Vs Ben is in a comma
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille
Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.
What are paramedics favorite gaming console?
Wii U!!! Wii U!! Wii U!!
Cheating Wives
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?" The guy replies that all the cabbie has to do is go inside the whore house, grab his wife, put her in the back of the cab, and take them home. The cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later, the whore house door gets kicked open, and the cabbie starts dragging out this woman who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here! Hold her!" The man looks down at the girl and yells to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied, "I KNOW. IT'S MINE… I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!"
A man dies and goes to hell.
Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one. At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?" "Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.
I never thought my baby daughter would go this far
Well, the catapult's fantastic!
I got into a car accident with a little person.
He got out and said, "I'm not happy!" So I asked, "Well, which one are you, then?"
Six topless women sounds nice
Dozen Tit??
