My penis may not be 12 inches
….but it smells like a foot.
Did you hear about the psychic midget prison escapee?
He’s a small medium at large
Why can’t you hear Pterodactyls go to the bathroom?
Because their P is silent
I’ll never forget the last words my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket..
He said, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
My girlfriend threw some Omega 3 capsules at me today…
It’s okay though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
Nuts
What is the difference between Beer nuts and Deer nuts? Beer nuts are about $1.98 and deer nuts are under a buck
Did you know that the secret service can no longer yell “Get Down!” when the president is in danger?
Now they have to say, “Donald, Duck!”
Why does Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks.
Want to make your water bed more bouncy?
Use, spring water.
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas.
It was mother fucking gold
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My grandfather’s last words were “Pints! Litres! Gallons!”
That spoke volumes.
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?
Police think it is race-related
If pigs could fly…
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
My wife is mad at me for not having a sense of direction
So i packed up and right.
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing…"Psst…come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit…that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."
Apparently, the repairs to Big Ben are going to take three years to complete.
That's ridiculous, considering they're working around the clock.
I have a chicken proof lawn
It's impeccable
“Orion’s belt is a big waist of space”
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
6 months ago a man stumbles across a genies bottle and is granted three wishes
He tells the genie "I am a simple man. All I wish for is to spend more time with my family, have a shorter commute and a case of Corona"
A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane.
There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.” Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, “I hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and I’ve never kissed anyone.” The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well make the kid happy in their final moments. She passionately kisses him. The boy, elated, goes on, “Sorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and I’ve never felt a breast.” Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides his hand under her shirt. After a good long feel, the boy again says “you’ve been so kind already but please, I don’t want to die never having gotten a blow job.” Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die, the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt. Just then the plane levels off. As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate him. The woman walks off the plain she says “thank you so much for saving us from certain death.” The boy shouts “just a little longer next time dad!”
If someone gave you $1,000,000 to replace their fuse…
would you refuse?
A person was accused of burying someone in cement
but there was no concrete evidence.
Coronavirus cases in North Korea update:
8:00: 1 8:10: 0 9:23: 1 9:28: 0 0:13: 1 0:20 0 1:47: 1 1:55: 0
I’ve discovered the optimal way to survive the great 2020 toilet paper pandemic
Just stop giving a shit
What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey’s blood?
Tastes like ass.
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day. RIP Rodney.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
I fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean one? I took a shower.
cats 😀 scat 😔
cats 😀 scat 😔
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5
She asked "what's that?" I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"