My phone kept calling me Shirley this morning
I had forgotten to take it off of airplane mode.
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters. By the way…
…that was not a question.
Aragorn and Legolas walk into a bar
Gimli laughs and walks under it
Why do people carry umbrellas?
Because umbrellas can't walk.
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance,
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
Why did Bill Barr gas protestors?
So the chicken could cross the road
I told my barista I didn’t think he should be wearing a face mask. ‘I’m not’, he said,…
'it's a coughy filter.'
I used to feel like a man who was trapped in a woman’s body.
Then I was born.
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
Did you hear about the guy trapped inside of a giant cucumber at the bottom of the ocean?
He was really in a pickle.
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
The water. Butane is lighter fluid.
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex,
would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
I tied two Disney DVDs with strings and placed it inside the freezer.
It's Tangled and Frozen.
Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is….”
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!” Then silence. A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap…you should see my pants!!” A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”
Her (On Tinder): I’m a model on Instagram! What do you do?
Him: I'm a soldier, on Call of Duty.
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
how did luke know what darth vader got him for christmas?
he felt his presence
A young boy asks his dad:
"Dad, what is the difference between confident and confidential?" The dad replies: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend next door is also my son, that is confidential."
We were driving past a cemetery.
My dad said in a dead serious quiet voice "I know something you don't know about this place. The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried here." And I was really confused, so I asked why. He said "because they are still alive."
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
I lost my notes I was writing for my book called “1,001 ways to cure an itch.”
Guess I'll have to start from scratch.
A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar…
As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!” The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”
what’s hilarious is that most people think we dont need to bring back the guillotine. ha.
https://ift.tt/2DqU4KM
Why is it good to have a crab as a friend?
They'll come through for you in a pinch
When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
I was going to make a depressing joke.
But my parents already made one.
What do you call a fat neo-nazi?
A wide supremacist.
A cat walks into a veterinarian’s office.
The vet says, “What seems to be the problem?” The cat says, “Meow.” The vet says, “Okay, where?”
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: Whos car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living? Miner: Mine
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar…
…but I don’t believe him…
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side
These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven
When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks." So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It's almost impossible not to step on a duck there's so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one. St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen. St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!" The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!" The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn't want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he's extremely careful where he steps. Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on. She's tall, curvaceous, tanned and extremely sexy. Without a word, St. Peter chains the woman to the third guy. The guy happily says to the woman, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" The woman replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?
You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your bonus.
Principal: Sorry to call you in, but your son set the school on fire.
Parents: Arson? Principal: Yes, your son.
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
In case you were wondering, chocolate identifies as female.
Preferred pronouns are Her/she