My point is clear.
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
Sharks have a party in the toilet
No text found
Why was the broom late for the meeting?
It overswept.
My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.
He really loved that woman.
A clown held open the door for me the other day.
It was a nice jester.
My daughter came home from school screaming at me
"I’ve just had sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before marriage, my boyfriend will die!" I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”
Why do nurses always bring red crayons to work?
In case they need to draw blood
I suggested to my wife that we make some Indian bread for a group dinner appetizer.
It was a total naan starter.
What kind of flour do you buy an orphan
Self raising flour
Actually the cat is both 50% in the bad and 50% not in the bag until we open it
https://ift.tt/2HlJjLn
My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.
They all disagreed with her though.
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
“For God so loved the world that he sent his condom baby to whine for ‘our’ sins.”
https://ift.tt/2EQP7eT
What is a mayor’s favorite food?
Mayornnaise
Donating a kidney makes you somebody’s hero.
Donating 5 makes you a suspect
SHE: Undress me with your words…
HE: There's a spider in your bra.
Did you know the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France?
They were actually cooked in Greece
Wife is pregnant
Wife- I’m pregnant Husband- Hi pregnant, I’m dad Wife- No, you’re not
Why does killing people in GTA make me happy?
It’s the only time I’m ever wanted
If you slap Dwayne Johnson’s ass
You hit rock bottom
I don’t know why most people think a dogs life is so easy.
Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
I used to sell home security systems.
It was super easy. I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
A photon checks into a hotel.
The bellhop asks: "Hello, can i help with your luggage?" "Oh thanks, no need, i am travelling light."
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?
tosses him a frisbee
My wife asked me “Where’d you learn to make ice cream so well?”
Me: “Sundae School.”
My neighbor owes me $500 but won’t pay.
Lawyer: Do you have proof? Me: No L: Send him a bill for the $5000 he owes you. M: But it's only $500. L: Exactly, he will respond saying just that. And you will have proof.
What’s the difference between a toothbrush and an alligator?
If you don’t know, you better be careful next time you brush your teeth.
I cannot believe there’s no cure for obesity yet.
I thought it would be a walk in the park.
I can still remember when my mom would tuck me in…
She really wanted a daughter…
Why didn’t congress impeach Trump ?
Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
What do you call a magical bra?
An abracadabra.
The last 4 letters of “queue” aren’t silent
They’re waiting for their turn
What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer?
The serial killer might listen if you plead with them
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
Give a man a guitar and he’ll play for a day…
Teach a man guitar and today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you