My principal posted this image to everyone on email
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me racist…
A lot of black people would try to mug me
Why was the horse good at business?
Because it had a stable economy.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
I was told to post this here.
This here.
Cremation isn’t free
You have to urn it
Oral sex using telekinesis
Mind blowing
When I was a boy..
My momma would send me down to the corner store with 1$ and I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. You can't do that now… Too many fuckin' security cameras.
My daughter told we she is a vegan.
I told her it is a huge missed steak.
I’ve got a memory of an elephant.
I remember when I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
Global warming will kill every single person on this planet,
It's a good thing I'm married…
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don’t know, don’t care.
The light bulb comes on for a very stable genius with a good brain, probably the best brain
https://ift.tt/2vQx8UT
Why do cow milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
Why were the Native Americans the first to come to America?
Because they had reservations
Flat earthers have nothing to fear
Except sphere itself.
Hypothermia is the coolest way to die
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I use to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
But then i turned myself around.
I asked my friend if he would ever dare to shave his nut sack with a straight razor
He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.
Three friends bragged about who has more sex….
Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women" Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women." Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."
I just saw a documentary on beavers.
Best dam show I've ever seen.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office
… whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those cunts at the Post Office.
What do you call a witch that only eats sand?
Malnourished.
Why are fish easy to weigh?
They have their own scales!
What did the copper say to the scientist who was going back home
Cu Tips of to my classmate for telling me this
How many bones are in a human hand?
A handful
What kind of jokes are allowed in quarantine?
Inside jokes
What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at the dinner table?
"Use the fork Luke"
There are three people on a boat, all smokers. They have a total of four cigarettes, but no matches. How do they manage to smoke?
They throw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Footage of trump preparing for rally
https://ift.tt/3dmaDqK
The rules for religions and penises are the same.
It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.
I went to a zoo that only had a bunch of pandas
The whole zoo was just one big embarrassment
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes…
The doctor says it’s terminal.
