My relationship with my wallet is an abusive one
My wife said I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I left some change in my pants pocket
Now my wife is getting accused of laundering money.
Peter Parker didn’t always want to be a super hero
He originally had dreams of being a web designer
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can't C in the dark.
[grocery store] Ok, milk…check, eggs…check, tomatoes…check.
“Sir, please stop writing separate checks for every single item.”
What type of underwear does Lara Croft wear?
Fruit of the tomb
I’m secretly a billionaire but I’m raising my kids as lower middle-class to not spoil them.
It's working perfectly. They're in their mid-forties and still don't know.
My roommate is 2 days younger than me
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age…” and then describing what I did 2 days ago
How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Hand him a used tampon and ask which period it’s from.
A man’s car breaks down outside of a monastery.
A man is driving home from a buisness trip. As he has a pretty low paying job, he doesn't have the best of cars. After a few hours of driving, he drives past a monastery. Unfortunately his car breaks down right in front of the monastery. Being a man of God, he obviously figures, "I bet the monks will let me stay with them while my car is repaired." So he goes to the front gate and knocks on the door. A man in robes answers. He tells the monk his predicament and the monk, being a monk, lets him stay the night, and even helps with repair costs for his car. While the business man is sleeping that night, he hears this strange noise. It just perplexes him, and for the life of him, he can't figure out what it is. He decides when he wakes up in the morning, he'll ask the monks about it. When he wakes up, he finds the monk who he met when his car first broke down, and asks him, "Can you tell me what that noise I heard was last night?" The monk replies, "I'm sorry, brother. I cannot tell you, for you are not a monk." The man accepts this. He thanks the monks for their graciousness, and goes about his way when he gets his car back. 3 years later, he is driving on another business trip. And wouldn't you know it, his car breaks down in front of the monastery again. Again, he figures, he can stay the night. And, of course, the monks let him stay and offer him the same help as before. And once again, during the night, he hears that noise. He has no idea what it could be. He decides to ask the monk once again, with hopes that he would trust him more this time around. In the morning he meets the monk again, and asks, "I'm sorry for asking again, but what is that noise!?" The monk replies, "I cannot tell you, for you are not a monk." The man says, "Alright! I'll become a monk! What do I need to do!?" The monk replies, "I need you to travel the world, and count every blade of grass if you truly wish to become a monk." The man swiftly accepts and leaves all of his worldly possessions behind him to travel the world on this mission. He goes to all corners of the globe counting grass blades. After 50 years, he comes back to the monastery. He gives the monk accurate numbers and the monks give him monk-hood. And obviously, the first thing he wants to do is find out what that noise was. So he asks the head monk. The head monk beckons him to follow him and he does. After a few minutes of walking through corridors and rooms, they happen upon a wooden door. The man can hear the noise. He gets excited. The head monk hands him a brass key. He reaches with the key to the lock, and unlocks the door. There is another door though. This time iron. And the monk hands him an iron key. This happens again and again. So many types of doors and keys. Every thing you could imagine. Glass doors, gold doors. Everything Finally, they get to a door made of solid diamond. The noise is louder than ever. The monk hands the man the final key. He opens the door and finally sees what has been making the noise. But I can't tell you what it is, because you aren't a monk.
If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up…
He should have hired her!
So I walked in on my wife having sex with her personal trainer:
And i knew right away that this isnt working out
How much sex does a person who likes both men and women have?
Just enough to get Bi
My wife asked why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid that Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[repost] Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon…
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there." https://twitter.com/draxar/status/239766758842568704 [Total report, but topical today]
Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?
This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
From my 6yr old: Whats a guitar’s favorite cheese?
String cheese.
A four-foot-tall fourtuneteller escaped from prison.
He was a small medium at large.
I found out that my Toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was in complete Shock.
I hate it when they say, “white people can’t dance”…
Like Hello? We had the king of pop himself micheal Jackson.
“Sometime it takes all the ugliness inside to look beautiful outside” – r/im14andthisisdeep
https://ift.tt/359eO6e
The wife laughed when I told her I was building a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
This is a Fibonacci joke.
Its worse than the last two jokes you heard, combined.
The John Lennon Airport has been quarantined
Imagine all the people
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket. “Very good,” said the teacher. Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.” The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched . “Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far. Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.” “Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued. “Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?” The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee…
Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee, filled to the brim, without even spilling a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs? John: That's easy! Before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip, and as I get to the top, I put it back in.
Have you heard of the reverse exorcism?
It’s where the devil appears and asks the priest to get out of the child.