My Research so far on the TREX (NSFW)
What’s the difference between Al Capone and Anakin Skywalker driving an Uber
One's a tax evader, the other is a taxi Vader
Thank god this guy is going to have sex with a billionaire actress half his age.
https://ift.tt/2yRNP3u
What’s the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?
Having to clean the monitor.
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
I was yelling really loud into my colander
And I think I strained my voice.
A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code
He refused to comment
I just watched a documentary on marijuana,
I suggest you watch all documentaries this way.
90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,
But for mathematicians, it's just right.
Did you know that you’re not supposed to make sick bird puns?
Apparently it's ill eagle.
How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.
“Mommy i want that balloon” = A baby that keeps pointing at balloons = Pointer 😂
https://ift.tt/2p1zoFy
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I can never understand y.
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
Guy spits out his coffee and says to the waitress ” I dont mean to be rude, but this coffee tastes like dirt”
She replys: well yea, you told me to make sure it was fresh ground
I named my WiFi network after my wife.
They’re both super temperamental, and seem to have an issue with me streaming porn to the bedroom.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar all walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
If something were heat resistant…
Would you say it's heat proof, to a certain degree?
I’m reading a book titled “The Stockholm Syndrome.”
I hated it at first, but now I love it.
Why does Oedipus never curse?
He kisses his mother with that mouth.
My daughter got scared when she had her first period
I told her it was an ovary action.
Isn’t it weird when sometimes you’re thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
I Can swear, I’ve seen someone who did the last one, and complained it didn’t work!😂
https://ift.tt/2NaXfvM
Why are there two “d”s in reddit?
The second ones is a repost like this joke
A Mexican, recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides to become a handy-man…
…and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby. He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do. “Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” the owner says. The Mexican responds, “How about $50?” The owner says “Fine, there’s a can of brown paint and brushes in the garage.” The owner’s wife, inside the house, overhearing the conversation asks her husband, “Does he realize that the porch goes all around the house? That’s a whole day’s job!!” The man replies, “He should; he was standing on it. Not my problem if he didn’t pay attention.” A short time later, the Mexican comes to the door and asks for the $50. “You’ve finished already?” the husband asks. “Yes,” he replies, “and there was paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reaches into his pocket for the money and hands it to him. “And by the way,” the Mexican adds, “it’s not a Porsche, it’s BMW"
My Dad told me he always struggled with three subjects in school;
Maths, and he couldn’t remember the other one.
I crafted a tiny cover for my pet bird’s chair.
It's a crow chez crochet.
So china is making phones without Google apps now
Guess it was always my way or the huawei i'm so sorry, I tried
This new diet is working pretty well
I'm at my lowest weight of the year so far
Today is national peanut butter day.
Spread the news
I cried when my mom chopped onions
Onions was a good dog.
In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word “contagious”. Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.
“Susan?” “I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!” “Very good. What about you, Johnny?” “Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!”
I wanted to tell a cashier joke.
But I didn't think it would register.