My roommate snapped a pic of me during my office’s virtual March Birthday Party…
But it's harder to deter gents. I'll let myself out.
Because they're calf price
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?” Doctor: “Every two hours.”
I said “son, what is A for?” “Apple!” “That’s right! What is B for?” “Banana!” That’s right! What is C for?” “Explosive!”
But nobody will give me a straight answer.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
But I just call him Web MD.
The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?" "Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose". The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question. "Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily." The third girl asks "AAArrgghhrasfdg". "Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock".
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?” The horse ponders for a minute and responds, “I don’t think I am.” And poof he disappears. This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, “ I think therefore I am.” But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
His sails went through the roof
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
I'm in a lot of Paine.
Imagine having an appendixThis post was made by the appendicitis gang
But the people in Abu Dhabi Doooo!
He wanted to get up oily in the morning.
I don’t believe him.
R, I, and the seven c’s (Say aloud) XD this made me laugh, hope it brightens your day
they'd eventually find me attractive.
The plot thickens
Son: “Dad, did you know that in some cultures, you don’t get to know your wife until after your married?”
Dad: “Son, it’s that way in every culture.”
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
Incase they have to Draw blood.
The Sax is too good
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way. A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him out. This process continues until a few weeks later. The man is visibly happier and healthier. The doctor asks him if the painkillers worked. "Yep! They're finally dead."
You either have to live with twice the number of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mum."
In a dadabase….
I was at the bar last night when the waitress yelled out, “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled out, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet!” Everybody laughed. Well, except for this one guy.
An udder disaster.
Because it keeps Dublin.
Everywhere. Edit: Whoa thanks for the toilet seat.