My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.
The cops arrested him for attempted murder.
What do you call a cow that gives no milk
An udder failure
Did you hear about the Mexican magician?
He said “for my next trick, I will disappear on the count of three. Uno, dos -” but then he vanished without a tres.
What do you call a Dothraki riding a squid?
Khal Amari
Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off
I think I’m being stalked
BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
Babies Drinking beer. So funny!!! If your baby didn’t drink beer then YOU’RE A SISSY
https://ift.tt/3cqErSG
What do you give a cannibal who’s late for dinner
The cold shoulder
How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern?
They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.
Never fight dinosaurs..
You’ll get Jurasskicked
What do you call a Communist sniper?
A Marx-man
What do women and grenades have in common?
Take the ring off and the house is gone
Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because his mom and dad were in a jam
A woman is walking down the street when she bumps into an old friend she hasn’t seen in a long time. They sit down on a bench and catch up on their lives.
Friend: So do you have any kids? Woman: Yes, I have 5 boys. Friend: Nice! What are their names? Woman: Steve. Friend: You mean… All of them are named Steve? Woman: Exactly, it's so much easier that way! It's hard enough to supervise 5 boys playing together, it's even worse if I have to call them one by one. All I have to do is shout "STEVE!!!" and they all turn around immediately! Friend: But what if you only want to talk to one of them at a time? How do you differentiate them? Woman: Oh, well in that case, I just call them by their last name…
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin’ they hatin’
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.
I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.
So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet
He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Rick, the guy who shit in your trumpet is here!"
Who wants to learn about Roman numerals? I for one.
No text found
Why do hobbit holes only have one entrance?
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Everywhere
My fish just ate another one of my fishes but it’s just hanging out of his mouth
https://ift.tt/2G2jC26
Redneck Divorce
A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce. Attorney: "May I help you?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces". Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres." Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?" Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere." Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays." Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning." Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?" Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."
My car horn wasn’t working, so I took it to a Boy Scout.
He fixed it and said, “Beep repaired”
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
I got the words jacuzzi and yakuza confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Axe Body Spray responded to Netflix’s tweet “what’s something you can say during sex but also when you manage a brand twitter account?” And responded with “Now 33% bigger.”
What they should have said is "we will make you gag".
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Just beer i guess.
What is a mayor’s favorite food?
Mayornnaise
Why are fish easy to weigh?
They have their own scales!
What do baristas in space get paid with?
Starbucks
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn't like to be spotted.
Her: Did you know Australia has 9 of the world’s 10 deadliest snakes?
Me: Shit! One escaped?
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger.
Then it hit me
The doctor told me I’m colorblind
Yeah. It really came out of the purple.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a brain surgeon…
But apparently, I was too young…
Mom, I’m dating a man.
-Whom, sweetheart? -Dante the mailman. -Dante the mailman? But he could be your father! -But mom, age is just a number. -Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.