When an old man approaches. "Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter. "To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son… his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day." Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?" The man looks back; "… Pinocchio?"
She’s a mathamachicken…
Because they never turn their back on family
Just beer i guess.
He told me to stop masturbating and get the hell out of his office
It’s my ankle.
Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.' That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Ate a glock in the morning.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
A condescending con descending.
How do I get rid of it?
A roamin' catholic.
and then it just clicked
They operate on a shoestring budget.
The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
Turned out she was seeing someone else on the side.
Police officers are worth their weight in copper.
But that’s just my two scents.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
My momma would send me down to the corner store with 1$ and I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. You can't do that now… Too many fuckin' security cameras.
Too many Cheetahs
Who needs lightbulbs when you have eight candles?
"Hey Adam, I have two new organs for you," said god "What are they?" Adam Replied "Well," said God, "We have a brain, which will let you make intelligent decisions and hold conversations with Eve." "That's Great!" Adam said, "What's the other one?" "That would be a penis," God replied, "It will let you make offspring to populate the Earth. However, there is one downside." Adam asked, "What is it?" "Well, I only have enough blood to let you use one at a time."
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
Well, he won the No-bell prize.
From a distance they looked like hares.
You’ll get Jurasskicked
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile, he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass……… It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
and that's where I come in.
911, what's your emergency? "I'm masturbating too much" Sir, that's not really a problem. "One sec. DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE!
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.
If it sinks, it's a girl ant If it floats, it's buoyant.
Because he is a PM, not an AM
If you can’t come, let me know