What happens when an atheist prays?..
The same thing that happens when a Christian does.
When does a car stop being a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
What do u call a tower of pizza boxes?
The leaning tower of pisa
Why did the melon have a traditional wedding?
Because it cantaloupe.
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.
Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?
Because they are filled with anty bodies.
A son went up to his dad one day and asked him the difference between hypothetical and reality.
“Well, son, I could explain it. But it would be better if I showed you.” “Ok, dad. How will you do that?” “Go up to your mom and ask her if she would have sex with her boss for $500,000.” So the son asks his mom, and she responds back with “fuck yeah I would!” The son then runs to his dad and says “Dad! Dad! She said ‘fuck yeah I would!’” “Ok. Now go ask your sister if she would have sex with her principal for $500,000.” So the son asks his sister, and she responds with “Fuck yeah I would!” The son then runs to his dad and says “Dad! Dad! She said ‘fuck yeah I would!’” “Ok son. Now the hypothetical situation is that we are now millionaires. But the reality is that we live with a couple of whores.”
I shot my first turkey today…
Scared the heck out of everyone else in the frozen food section.
What do you call an exploding duck?
A firequacker
What did one Italian say to another when fighting?
‘You wanna pizza me?’
Why couldn’t the egg quit smoking?
Because he'd Benedicted to it. I thought of this joke over 20 years ago as a kid lol
Husband and wife accidentally discover a genie
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.' So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?' 'Uh…yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. 'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.' Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!' 'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.' The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?' She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?' You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?' 'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly. 'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
So, I’m reading this book written in Braille…
I just know something terrible’s about to happen… I can feel it.
A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway and asks, “Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?”
On which the miner replies, "mine".
Like my silver medal did for me at the Catholympics…
…prove that you're second to nun.
Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you…
An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.
For Christmas, I’m getting my kids an alarm clock that swears at them instead of ringing.
They are in for a rude awakening.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank…
The rabbit says, “I think I might be type o.”
I ordered 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup.
It weighed won ton.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's not funny.
Where do you store dad jokes ?
In a dad-a-base
1 week before Grandad died we bought him a snowboard…
…he went downhill very quickly after that.
I only knock up antivaxxers.
Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.
My dad asked me the other day: “Are you even listening to me?”
Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.
However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.
Set your WiFi password to 24446666688888888
…so when someone asks what your password is, just tell them it’s: 12345678.
I want to hear 99 people sing “Africa” by Toto…
…It's something that a hundred men or more could never do
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
How many South Americans it takes to change a bulb?
One brazilian