My sister got married the other day and now has 16 husbands….
Four richer, four poorer, four better and four worse…
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old…
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued. "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!" "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old. "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00"
Two men walk into a bar. One man orders H2O. The other says,”I’ll have H2O, too.”
The second man dies. That's why you shouldn't repost.
I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.
At the hearings, Kavanaugh was asked how he would prefer to cross a waist deep river, in a rowboat or simply walk across it
He said he doesn't want to give an opinion on Row Vs. Wade
“I didn’t have time for the impeachment, and presidents don’t play golf during pandemics.”
https://ift.tt/2LQWyWW
What kind of STD’s do fish get?
Merm-aids
Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper
One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda "What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?" "You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pogroms, antisemitic hate crimes and it's just depressing and scary, here on the other hand" he says while showing his friend the frontpage " I'm apparently a masterminded banker, have millions in secret accounts and even rule the whole world!"
Why did the kid cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
The lights in my house just went out, so I have to call an electrician….
I am unable to deal with the current situation..
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They're… hill areas.
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
I’ve done some terrible things for money.
Like getting up early to go to work.
Everyone knows that the zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210 thanks to the show, but not as many people know the zip code to Dawson’s Creek.
It’s 90108 …for our lives to be over…
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
“My wife suffers from a drinking problem”
"Is she an alcoholic?" "No I am, but she is the one who suffers"
The store near me is having a sale on batteries.
If you buy two packs, they'll throw in a pack of dead ones, free of charge.
Remember when plastic surgery was taboo?
Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.
I’m sure Trump will explain everything to Lindsey and it’ll all be fine in a couple days.
https://ift.tt/2IGWeZw
Did you know autocorrect was invented by an atheist?
He's going to he'll.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.
The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat. The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog. The weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the solider and sniffed then said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see that my little pooch is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, looking if there were any other unoccupied seats to use, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself facing the woman with the dog again. Again, the soldier asked, "Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted out loud, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also extremely arrogant!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The Woman, at a loss for words; shrieked, railed and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentlemen sitting across the aisle spoke up and said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!."
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.
A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.
The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed. The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!” The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare you call me materialistic? Do you know what I earn an hour? You have no idea what kind of pressure I’m under!” The cop says, “Well, you’re so concerned about your beamer, you didn’t notice the truck took your arm off at the elbow.” The lawyer looks down and screams “Fuck! My rolex!”
Five blondes walk into a bar
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it
A bodybuilder and a Blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
My son asked me where pooh came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
A little perplexed he stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and then asked, “and tigger?”
What Do You Call Slutty Potatoes?
Tater Thots
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Teach a man a joke, and he will laugh for a day.
Teach a redditor a joke, and they will repost it for a lifetime. It's cake and y'all know the rules!
What does a horny frog say
Rubbit
What’s the difference between a scientist and plumber?
The way they pronounce unionized
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic Attack!
I ate a bunch of scrabble pieces earlier
So going to the bathroom could spell disaster