my sister just made this and iM DYING-
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
A good percentage of my friends are Nazis…
0% of my friends are Nazis, and thats a good percentage.
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drinker
What do you call a butchers conference
A meating
I’ve got a friend who reminds me of a software update.
Whenever I see him, I usually think "not now".
What do you call a Dog with no legs?
Why bother? They won't come anyways.
I Googled “how to start a wildfire”.
I got 48,500 matches.
Juuls aren’t that bad
They are just USB sticks And when you exhale, you get cloud storage.
Anti vaxx joke
When little Timmy went to school and mastered one to nine, he thought the other kids were cool and every class Devine. He painted shapes red and blue and he drew in curves and bends. And when the day was over he made 100 friends! I’m Pals with Pete Mike and Max he told his pa with pride, but Timmy’s folks were anti-vaxx and then he fucking died.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
A man was found guilty of overusing commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of a dictionary
I learned next to nothing
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes
It was the end of my Korea
Why was my post removed
Can someone from admin please explain to me why my post was removed? I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over.
There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, lets! But lets change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head."
What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's a coincidence
What bird never knows the lyrics to a song?
A hummingbird!
My 67 y/o quiet and shy dad wanted me to share his masterpiece across North America
https://ift.tt/39n5Cfp
When I ever get to be a dad, I wanna start early.
If I would get to be the dad of a son, I'd name him Jason so on the moment of his birth I can get up and shout: "Jesus Christ, it's Jason, born!"
Why are Apple stores hypocritical?
Because to construct them, you need to install windows
Why did the baker go to work?
He kneads the dough.
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Someone threw a fridge at her.
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late to his first class, 8 minutes late to his second, and 4 minutes late to the third.
At this rate, he will never be in class on time.
What do astronauts do when they’re sorry?
Apollogize
I hate it when kids write “angle” instead of “angel”.
They’re just trying to be edgy.
My dad took me to an Apple store to buy me an iPhone 11
Me: "Please don't fart here." Dad: "Why?" Me: "Because they don't have Windows."
I can still remember when my mom would tuck me in…
She really wanted a daughter…
Why can’t a man starve in the desert?
Because of all of the sand which is there.
[At the chameleon store]
Me: Do you have any chameleons? Clerk: I have no fucking idea
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.