My six year old nephew just told me this joke… Why does a a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage…
I lost my case
I was in the bank earlier, when the woman behind the counter started singing, “Downtown”…
I thought to myself, "What a peculiar clerk."
Smoking will kill you. And Bacon will kill you. But…
Smoking Bacon will Cure it.
I asked my dad how can i satisfy a girl with a small dick.
He told me to give her a handjob.
What concert cost 45¢
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
Joke
You could view the cross on the cover of the Holy Bible as a big time spoiler….
I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ DVD.
It was here a minute ago.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog
We Germans might not be humorous but we will still make fun of that joke of a president
https://ift.tt/2o1O7Qg
*Knock knock* “who is there?”
"Doris" "Doris who?" "Doris locked, that's why im knocking."
18 year old: Dad I turn 18 today!
Dad: great, I'm taking you the strip club tonight. 18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that. Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.
I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I used to be in a band called “The Hinges”
We opened for The Doors
A girl told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow
Found out she meant trout, not Skittles
She texted me: “your adorable” I responded saying “no. YOU’RE adorable”
Now she thinks I like her even though I was just correcting her grammar.
After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.
I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers. After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same clerk. The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smile’s and sometimes a wink. All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking. The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline; hopefully I fixed this before he spread any rumours about me being a vegan.
I wrote a song about a tortilla.
Well actually it's more of a wrap.
Did you hear why the elevator repair guy was always so happy?
It’s because his job was so uplifting.
What’s the quickest way to prevent a man from drowning?
Shoot him in the face
A guy walks into a bar
and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day." "Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay." The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!" On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
I tried to tell some of my vaccinated friends a joke about measles.
But they just didn't get it.
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Why did the vegetarian fail his exam?
There were too many missed stakes
Prince Hamlet was having trouble finding out the proportion of sluts to non-sluts in Denmark.
So he asked his friend Horatio.
Genie: “What’s your first wish?”
Steve: "I wish I was rich!" Genie: "Okay, what's your next wish?" Rich: "I wish I had lots of money!"
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He got a Nobel prize.
Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than
Blue and Yellow combined
What did Trump say when he picked up the cheese shredder?
"With this, I will make America grate again."
What’s the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy…and the other…is a little lighter.
What do you call Batman when he skips church
Christian bale.
