My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman!”
He replied, “Thanks dad! I’ve been practicing a lot!"
One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and say "I'm not a doctor, but…
It's something I can see myself doing.
So many questions, Who's blood is that? How did you get it? Was the bucket even sanitized before you filled it with blood.
A meltdown. (Told to me by a grandpa earlier today.)
When thrown at a close-range, especially.
But none of them work.
..until the police came and removed me from the library.
Dad: Yes, the Brits left.
But I just don’t have the balls to do it
I thought to myself, "Hmmm, that's a little condescending."
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.
They both came in a little behind
Because 2022 is 2020 too
Never date a bread maker, They’re so kneady.
….the audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it … With the parrot… They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day… And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said….."Alright, good one but i can't take it any longer, what did you do with the ship???"
He said it was absolutely sublime.
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.” I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens. And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”
They use a pumpkin patch!
What is the difference between soon-to-be parents that want a girl and liquid that’s been used to clean plates?
One's dishwater… The other's wish daughter
I don’t know I don’t have 2020 vision
You’ll never get out of it alive anyways.
I guess I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
He finished his drink, and asked for his check. Duck billed platypus.
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Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
I hate these multi-level marketing schemes.
If they groan, I say, “I think I took this joke too far.”
Husband: Emphatic no, 5 letters. Wife: Never. Husband: Pistol, 3 letters. Wife: Gun. Husband: Disgust, 3 letters. Wife: Ugh. Husband: Charity, 4 letters. Wife: Give. Husband: Female sheep, 3 letters. Wife: Ewe. Husband: Pixar movie, 2 letters. Wife: Up.
I’m worried she won’t be able to pull it off.
Mothers Against Dyslexia
Survival of the fetus
Two out of three little ones have no household.
Except the worms, they came in apples.