My son called me a simp, after I googled what it meant, I said
then you're a simpson.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne
A racist man walks into a bar…
He sees a black man sitting casually at the side, and is disgusted by the sight of him. He then waves to the bartender and says, "I'd like to order a beer for everyone here except the black guy." As everyone else is treated to a beer, he looks back at the black man in hopes of getting a reaction out of him. The black man still sits casually, this time with a smile on his face. Confused and annoyed, the racist man waves again to the bartender and says, "another round for everyone except that same man." As everyone else enjoys their second beer, the racist man looks back again at the black man, who is still smiling. visibly angered, the racist man calls the bartender over a third time and orders a another round of beer for everyone except the black man. He then looks at the black man one more time, and sees him laughing. Furious, he rushes back to the bartender, points at the black man and asks, "Okay, what the hell is up with this guy?" The bartender then replies, "Oh, you didn't know? He owns this place."
What do you call a magic dog?
A Labracadabrador
There was a woman who had 100 kids..
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
How do you make 7 even?
By removing the S.
How do the earth’s tectonic plates greet each other?
They shake! Bwahahahahaha
Confucius knew the answers to all of life’s questions.
The same cannot be said of his twin brother, Confusion.
I’ve done some terrible things for money.
Like getting up early to go to work.
What did the burger say to the bun?
I'll meat you in the middle.
Whstd red…
Whats red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
Where do drunk sea flowers go?
Alcoholics Anemones
You have $400, your daughter text she needs $200, and your son text he needs $150. How much do you have left?
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot
Those dudes are royal AF
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U
Cuz you’re blocking the TV
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After a particularly nasty one, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this, so the following day, he walked in and said, “Class, did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?” all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies!” cried the professor. “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”
I’ve asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for.
I never get a straight answer.
My girlfriend just accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says, “Don’t bother me!”
So I asked him how much it costs and whether or not it works.
Because just like with republicans, it’s only wrong if it’s done against them
https://ift.tt/34LtOGo
Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
Trump shouldn’t have said “shithole countries”
The correct term is turd-world countries.
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!
Me: Wait, I can explain everything!
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant.
Halloween dad joke
why don't skeletons go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with haha
Her: I want to wake up next to you the rest of my life
Him : I’m a programmer Her : Never mindProgrammersNeverSleep
My girlfriend used to be a hoe but she got fat
Now she's a shovel
Congratulations USA
Zero school shootings so far this year.
![The Invisible Man [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/74snu9ek96b41-400x433.png)
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed Platypus.