My son came up to me today
My son came up to me and said, “can I have a bookmark?” I started crying, 10 years and he still doesn’t know my name is brad.
True Fact: Before the crowbar was invented
Most crows drank at home
I am opening a new gay club called ‟Garage Sale”
because one man’s junk is another man’s treasure.
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple
He walks up to the driver's side window and asks the husband for his license and registration. The wife, hard of hearing, asks "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband replies "he wants my license!" The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going. The wife yells "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband yells back "he says I was speeding!" As the officer looks at the license he notices they're from Ohio "you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable. She would never shut up, couldn't cook worth shit, constantly belittled me, and the sex was just awful." The old lady once again yells "what?! What did he say to you?" The husband yells back "he said you two used to date!"
A man was found abusing words
He got a sentence.
Sample guy at grocery store: You can take one if you want to.
Me: Can I take two if I want three?
Why was the card dealer at the casino so resilient?
He dealt with whatever was thrown his way
Me- “Do you know in middle east most of married girls can’t even vote on Facebook opinion poll”.
Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east". Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I said, I don't hate your relatives, in fact, I like your mother in law a lot more than I like mine
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"
What’s the cutest season?
Awwwtumn.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
You must be in F**king management!
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk." The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!
Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot
My son asked me what an updog was.
I told him it was an older version of a henway. “What’s a henway?” My son asked. “About 5 pounds” I replied.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.
I didn’t eat anything other than brown bread for dinner…
That was my wholemeal…
My roommate snapped a pic of me during my office’s virtual March Birthday Party…
https://ift.tt/2UhY4oD
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.
What does a clock do when it’s still hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play that game.
My girlfriend said that it wasn’t working out between us and that we should start seeing other people.
So I took her wheelchair. Just as I thought… She couldn’t stand to leave me.
A journalist goes to Russia for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.
The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!" The journalist realized that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story. The old man smiled again and started all over again: "Once, my neighbor’s wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbor’s wife. We had great fun that day!" The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something… umm … sadder?" The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up….. In a sad, soft voice he began: "One day I got lost in the mountains…..
I’ll do algebra and geometry
But graphing is where I draw the line
Why should you be worried if you see cows smoking marijuana?
Cause that's when the steaks are highest.
engrained
engrained
Police arrested two kids yesterday
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other off.
How do they expect you to eat your burrito in 30min. Smh
How do they expect you to eat your burrito in 30min. Smh
What do you call a sheep on wheels?
A Lamborghini.
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,
She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe. 15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story. Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story. Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?" The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."