My son came up with this one…
I was walking to the bedroom with a 20-ounce drink. My son was hiding behind the wall and said "boo". He asked "were you scared?" I told him "no, but what if I were and spilled this drink all over myself?" He said "then that would be on you". I told him "nice pun". He still doesn't get it.
Apparently “I’m sorry” and “My bad” are same thing
unless you're at a funeral [Demetri martin]
My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.
He's a seasoned veteran.
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He saw the gas bill.
I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. “Well…” he said. “It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn’t decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it.”
"And he won?" I asked. "Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder. The bastard!"
We’re in too deep, of a sleep.
We’re in too deep, of a sleep.
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life!”
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?
An Oopsie-daisy!
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona
Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out. This will make sure that a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth. b) nobody will shake hands with you. c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets. d) You will wash your hands thoroughly before you eat.
I wanted to dress up as a DDOS attack, but I couldn’t get enough friends to do it
https://ift.tt/2BjZZ38
Where do horses go when they get sick?
To the horspital! Just kidding, they get shot.
[Introducing My girlfriend to my family]
Me: This is my girlfriend Janine Janine: Hi Wife: What the fuck
A limbo champion walks into a bar
He's disqualified
Ever wonder what to say to your sister when she’s crying?
“Are you having a crisis?”
When a knight in Prague dons his armor…
…the Czech is in the mail.
I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.
It's his altar ego.
If I had to get rid of one part of my body, I’d get rid of my spine.
Sometimes I feel like it's holding me back.
Yesterday I was so hungry I ate a clock
It was pretty time consuming
A Viking named Rudolph the Red looks outside, then tells his wife “It’s going to rain”…
Wife asks "Why do you think that?" He replies "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear…" (Not mine, my dad found it somewhere and was very proud of making the family groan…)
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh!
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
What do you call a time period when Lamborghini starts to produce electric cars only?
"Silence of the Lambs"
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
NBC is developing a new realistic docudrama about Abraham Lincoln.
The finale will be shot before a live audience.
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to check their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
A weasel walks in to a bar. The bartender says “What can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
Did you hear Marry Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious