My son cheated on his physics test, and has no idea how much trouble he is in.
He doesnโt understand the gravity of the situation.
How does a chicken pay its bills?
In quarters.
I left $100 in my suit jacket at the dry cleaners.
Unfortunately when I went to get it back, they were shut down for money laundering.
The boss caught an employee drinking at work.
He said: -"You can't drink while you're working!". The employee replied: -"But I'm not working". They both laughed a lot, and he got fired.
My grandfather was gravely ill and his doctor suggested coating his body with Crisco.
He went downhill really fast after that.
One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.
One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her. Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills ) Policeman: Btw, where did you get all of this money? Did you steal? Old lady: Well, it's a long story. You see, what happened was, my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming and they pee in my garden from the hole. One day, I thought why not take this opportunity to make some money? So when they start pissing, I grab their penis and tell them to give 20$ bills or I will chop it off! This is how I earned these 20$ bills, officer. Policeman: Good to know. By the way, what's in the other bag? Old lady: Well not all of them pay.
It was a boys first day on the pirate ship.
He asked the Pirate Captain. โWhy do you have a wooden leg?โ The Pirate Captain replied. โArgh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me leg off so I have this wooden peg to replace whatโs goneโ. The boy then asked. โWhy do you have a hook for a hand?โ The Pirate Captain said. โArgh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me hand off so I have this hook to replace whatโs goneโ. The boy finally asked. โWhy do you have a glass eye?โ The Pirate Captain lowered his head slightly and replied. โA grain of sand blew up off the deck and got in me eyeโ. The boy stood there confused. The Pirate Captain, raising his head back up, said to the boy. โArgh. It was me first day with the hookโ.
The invention of the shovel
Was groundbreaking
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
Theyโd all be a lot more comfortable
“Mister E. how do I get more muscle?”, “ah, you see young Opi, the secret it’s in the mass”
“Mister E. how do I get more muscle?”, “ah, you see young Opi, the secret it’s in the mass”
My friend is trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.
He makes some really good points.
What is Forrest Gump password
1forrest1
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. Itโs not the best…
But itโs up there.
My wife and I have an agreement. I donโt try to run her life,
and I donโt try to run mine.
Do you know how to catch a bear?
Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by. When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. As told to me by my Dad at dinner, every single time peas were served. Miss you, Dad.
A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter.
There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! โWhat was that?โ she asks. โOh, donโt worry about that,โ says Saint Peter, โItโs just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.โ A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. โWhat was that?!โ she asked anxiously. โOh ,donโt worry,โ says Saint Peter soothingly, โItโs just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings.โ The lady starts to back away. โWhere are you going?โ asks Saint Peter. โI think Iโll go downstairs, if itโs all the same to you,โ says the lady. โBut you canโt go there,โ says the saint, โYouโll be raped and sodomized!โ โItโs OK,โ says the lady, โIโve already got the holes for that.โ
My uncle posted this on FB with the caption โWe could all learn from this guyโ
https://ift.tt/2Udc17o
A man knocked on my door today and asked for a small donation for the local swimming pool…
So I gave him a glass of water…
My priest is a lawyer.
He's my father in law
Scottish Humor
Itโs called a โKiltโ because I kilt the last man who called it a skirt. Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. A lot of people wonder what a true Scotsman wears under his kilt, but don't ask him: he'll not tell ya, he'll show ya. In Scotland, we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. For even though we might lose some of our southern cities, at least we'll get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown. ๐
My family was cracking up while eating eggs for breakfast this morning
They were great yolks
What do you call a group of Nazi birds?
The Goose-Tapo
What do a girlfriend and a forklift have in common ?
If you don't have one, you have to unload by hand
A newlywed couple goes to the hospital to give birth to their baby.
When they arrive, the doctor says that he invented a machine to transfer part of the labor pain of the mother to the father of the baby. He then asks if they agree. The couple accepts gladly the procedure. The doctor puts the machine at 10% for starting, explaining that even the 10% it's probably more pain that the father could ever bear. But when the labor started, the husband was feeling okay and he asked the doctor to raise the level. The doctor raised the transfer to 20%. The husband was still feeling good. The former checked the blood pressure of the latter and he was surprised by how good he was reacting. At this point, both decided to raise the transfer up to 50%. The husband was STILL feeling good. Since the transfer of pain was really helping the wife, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The woman gave birth to a healthy child and virtually with no pain. She and her husband were really happy. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
A woman sees her son shoving candy into his mouth.
"Stop it" she said, "You shouldn't eat so much candy at once." "Why?" her son replied. "Because, if you eat too much candy at once, your stomach will grow bigger, and bigger, and finally it will explode!" The boy is frightened by the image of his stomach exploding, so he stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and his mom go to church, and the boy sits down next to a very pregnant woman. The boy looks closely at her stomach, then up to her face, and finally he says to the pregnant woman, "I know what you've been doing."
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
What do you get when you boil a funny bone?
A laughing stock
6:30 is the best time on a clock.
Hands down.
Why is gum similar to guns?
If you take one out during class, everyone starts acting like your friend.
My nephew does well in marathons but poorly in the 100 yard dash…
He's better off in the long run.
Iโm not wearing glasses anymore.
Iโve seen enough.
The Coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury. Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.
One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam! He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot! Coach said to himself, โI got to have this guy. Heโs got the best arm Iโve ever seen!โ He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl. The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom. โMother,โ he yells over the phone, โWe just won the Super Bowl!โ โDonโt talk to me,โ the woman says. โYou abandoned us. You canโt be my son.โ The young Iraqi begs, โMom, you donโt understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!โ โI donโt care,โ his mother snaps. โRight now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped.โ Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit.