my son is a male trapped in a female body
he'll be born in may.
Gordon Ramsey just had his 5th kid..
At least he likes at least one thing raw.
I have mixed views on immigration.
I'm foreign against it.
Student loans you got me through college
I don’t think I can ever repay you
A man is walking through the woods…
when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible… are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"
Do you know how to spot clickbait?
Obviously not
A person was accused of burying someone in cement
but there was no concrete evidence.
If “womb is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom”, then then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
“BOOM” I hope that blew your minds
A story with a happy ending
I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig." “Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying.” "This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man … and then my dog bit me." "So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!
“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.
What do I hate most about my Rubik’s Cube?
Well, I don't know where to begin.
Why can’t you hear a pterosaur go to the bathroom?
Because the p is silent.
3 unwritten rules of life…
1. 2. 3.
Boys… I think it’s about time I call it a night.
I’m an adult now, I can’t keep on calling it sleepy snoozies time.
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer “That’ll be five dollars”, says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.
The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc. The next day, again. On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells "here's your change asshole!" The guy looks down at the coins and says: "I'll have another beer, please."
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention
But everyone was blown away by the leaf blower.
It wasn’t until I slapped the statue’s ass.
That I realized I had hit rock bottom
Hey Trump supporters, can I tell you a joke about the wall?
Never mind, you won’t get it.
Made a little something you can send to people who should just use a search engine
https://ift.tt/3h73Eon
Today I got complaints about my dog chasing people on a bike
I immediately took away his bike
Why is gum similar to guns?
If you take one out during class, everyone starts acting like your friend.
Q: What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?
ʇsnɹɔ-ᴉʇu∀ ǝɥ┴ :∀
What do you call a Jewish Knight?
Sir Cumcised
As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero…
The Invisible man!
To be frank.
I’d have to legally change my name.
Why is Pavlov’s hair so soft?
A lot of conditioning
What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta (First post here)
My husband asked why I never blink during sex.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
[First date] Her: So, what do you do? … Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.
Her: Wow! That’s impressive! Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.
On her wedding day, the mother of the bride has a talk with her daughter.
"Sweetheart," says she, "your husband-to-be is a great catch. Handsome, kind, and rich. But he's Greek. And you need to know something about Greek men in the bedroom. There will come a day, maybe soon maybe not, but the time will come when, during intimacy, he'll ask you to "roll over." When that happens, don't say another word to him. Just come straight home to me." The daughter promises that she will do as her mother asks. But she's nervous about it. The wedding goes forward without a hitch, and so does the honeymoon. The couple gets on fabulously together, in the bedroom and out. When they get home, the marital bliss continues, and the young bride discovers that she has quite a sex drive. She initiates sex even more frequently than her husband. And the bride's mother's warning never becomes relevant. On the couple's first anniversary, they have a fantastic, romantic night out. And when they get home, the have sex for a solid three hours straight. After all that, the husband leans over and whispers in his wife's ear "honey, roll over for me." The woman bursts into hysterical tears. She jumps out of bed, and begins to pack her bags. "I'm going home to my mother," she wails. "Honey, what's wrong," her husband begs. "Let me fix it," he says. "My mother warned me about yiu on our wedding day! She told me that one day you would ask me to "roll over." "Of course, darling," the man replies. "But don't you ever want to have a baby???"
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
Bartender: "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate: "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
