My son may be a good father…
But I'm a grandfather.
What do you get if you cross Islam with Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.
I like the guy who wrote “What Is Love”
He really Haddaway with words.
My son didn’t cope well with going to jail.
He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own shit. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!
I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.
What do you call a careful wolf ?
Aware wolf.
I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died
In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"
You’ve seen Garfield on a Monday, now what about Garfield on a Tuesday?
You’ve seen Garfield on a Monday, now what about Garfield on a Tuesday?
All Jews had their foreskins
[removed]
Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s leg
You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?" Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger
How can you tell when a joke is a ‘dad joke’?
When its apparent.
Every time I get a new girlfriend, I measure how far she can open her legs
I keep all the results on a spreadsheet
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists.
Mine is just a little pail in comparison.
My friend Victor recently changed his last name to “E”, but no-one knows why…
He’s become a Mister E…
Me: Boss, I’m sorry I am late. I was having computer issues.
Boss: Hard drive? Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with optical illusions.
I told her, "Wait, this isn't what you think it is!"
A college girl finds out she’s pregnant….
She doesn't know who the father is, so she goes to every dude on the campus she recently had sex with, tells them "I'm pregnant." Luckily the guy was found when his newly developed senses made him answer: "Hi pregnant. I'm dad."
I went to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting last night
but all the seats were taken.
We must popularise the Howie style labcoat!!!
To start I post this here because it’s the only place I could find that would have a hight scientist reader base an not required required it to be a scientific paper but here we goThey are safer that standard lab coats as the protect more of the bodyThey are more sanitary! minimising contact between your clothing and possible pathogens as well as chemicalsThey look 100% cooler, lab coats are cool but the Howie pattern is fuckin awesome, it also looks way more sci-fi, and if we’re gonna be living in the future might as well look it
I bought a car that can only be driven when the leaves are brown…
It's an autumn mobile.
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
I’m still not going to forgive them for all the running in high heels though.
https://ift.tt/2Y0bzgs
My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants
“Euripides?” says the tailor. “Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man.
A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute
and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old… how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny… I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!"
How do you know so many dad jokes?
I have a dad-a-base.
Wife Missing
My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward
That’s just how I roll
I gave up my last few hairs to wear a cheap wig.
It's a small-price toupee.
I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren’t the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months……
Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed! Edit: Thank you everyone for the awards!
Here’s some advice for all men
If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection
A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Two antennas on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn’t much..
But the reception was incredible!
What has two butts and kills people?
an assassin
The boss with no ears
Three men are waiting outside the office of an executive for a job interview. The first man goes to walk in, but the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The man says, flustered, “You have no ears.” The boss says, “Get the hell out of here.” The second man gets up to walk in, and again the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The man pauses, anxious, sweating – finally he says, “You have no ears.” The boss says, even angrier, “Get the hell out of here!” The third man gets up to walk in, and again the receptionist stops him and says, “Just so you know, the boss has no ears. He’s really sensitive about it, so don’t let him know that you know.” The man thanks her and goes in and sits down. The boss says, “What’s the first thing you notice about me?” The man says, “That you wear contacts.” The boss is stunned; he even tears up and says, “No one has ever noticed. How did you know?” The man says, “Well you can’t wear glasses, you have no ears.”
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?
That would be soda pressing.
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.