My son refused to join the family DJ business, but then, returned 6 months later, begging for a job…
Oh, how the turntables!
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
Did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
Guy walks into a bar…
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake… He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy … do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No … not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"…
I wasn’t sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting…
so I just came in my pants.
I used to be addicted to soap….
I’m clean now.
What has two butts and kills people
An assassin
Reverse cowgirl is set to be outlawed in Alabama.
Cause you don't turn your back on family.
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason…
…details are sketchy.
A blonde and brunette rob a bank
A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank. "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks. The blonde smiles and nods. "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!" The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The brunette glances at her watch nervously. 10 minutes.. 15 minutes.. 20.. "This is taking way too long.. What the hell is she doing in there?" the brunette asks herself frantically. 30 minutes later the blonde runs out with a rope and ties it to the back of the car. She jumps in and the brunette floors it. The rope tightens and a safe bashes right through the bank wall and trails behind the car. A guard with his pants down runs behind and tries to fire but falls in an awkward attempt to run behind with his pants down. The brunette, furious and red-faced, turns to the blonde and says, "I knew you'd screw this up. I told you to tie up the guard and blow the safe…"
Grammar
The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
What’s the difference between a constipated owl & a blind sniper?
One hoots but can’t shit, and one shoots but can’t hit
Rules Clarification
Hey all you cool cats and kittens,Since half of the shit y’all like to submit is absolute garbage that doesn’t fit this subreddit whatsoever, this subreddit is now approval only. That means your post will not show up in new no matter how many times you resubmit it. As well, we’ve added a neat little reminder when you post here. I’ve pasted it below for your convenience.If your post is not a cartoon, please head down to /r/terriblefacebookmemes. If your post is wholesome or actually funny, try /r/goodboomerhumor. If the art is decent, it probably should go in /r/im14andthisisdeep. If your post is a political cartoon, it will be removed. If your post is the fucking hair dryer cartoon, you will be shot on sight.As well, I’d also like to remind everyone that cartoons that are just about the coronavirus/lockdown/quarantine/social distancing do not a boomer post make. Most of these posts are just observational humor and not making a stupid joke. Examples of jokes that would fit are things like “I’m locked up with my family and I hate them”, “I wish I were at work because technology is the worst”, “the virus isn’t that bad, kids these days are just sensitive.”That’s all folks!
A Winter War joke
A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!" The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence. After a few minutes, the voice shouts defiantly: "One Finnish soldier is better than a hundred Soviet soldiers!!" The general sends a hundred men to remove the nuisance, there is a racket of gunfire, and then quiet. The voice crys out loudly once more: "One Finnish soldier is better than a thousand Soviet soldiers!!" Enraged, the general sends a thousand men charging over the hilltop to shut up that voice once and for all, an epic battle rages, and then quiet. After a few minutes, a gravely wounded Soviet crawls back over the hill and crys: "It's a trap! There are two Finnish soldiers!!"
A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in.
The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?" Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter. Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!". The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe
I said its Narnia buisness
Where do man-splainers get their water?
From a well, actually
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They only talk about change.
Today i saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down the wall
i thought to myself, that's a little condescending.
How can you get to one million karma in a day?
You can, but it has to be a cakewalk
What do raspberries do when they play instruments?
They have jam sessions!
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily my injury’s were only super fish oil.
Today I met a vegan girl who came out as a lesbian
She is truely Beyond Meat.
Have you heard about brooms?
It's the cleaning craze that's sweeping the nation!
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp and my parrot
I don’t know how you sleep at night
A girl told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow
Found out she meant trout, not Skittles
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid!
![[cool caption]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/2xvt7hlhvhg41-400x318.png)
TIL: Children are born with four kidneys.
When they get older, two of them become adult knees.
Got a new phone, and I went straight to my lawyer’s office.
He's helping me build a case to avoid damages.
I once played poker with a deck of tarot cards.
I got a full house and 3 people died.
Why is Kim Jong Un so cruel?
Because he doesn't have a Seoul.
Her: “Undress me with your words.”
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
A boob, a vagina, and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all.
Boob: I give milk to newborn babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. . . . . . . . . . Now it's your turn.