My son refused to join the family DJ business, but then, returned 6 months later, begging for a job…
Oh, how the turntables!
Until the police came and removed me from the library.
You get your palm red for free
Rosy goes to Sunday school every week, but falls asleep every class! One day, to “inadvertently” call her out on it, the teacher calls on Rosy and asks this question: “Who created the universe as we know it to be?” At this point, to just have a laugh, Rosy’s friend, Adam, sitting behind her, pokes her in the butt with a thumb tack! Rosy wakes up in a frazzle, “GOD ALMIGHTY!” The teacher says “yes, correct.” Rosy, still confused after being rudely awoken, is asked another question: “What was the name of Gods son?” Adam, giggling wildly to himself, pokes Rosy in the butt again! Rosy screeches out “JESUS CHRIST!” The teacher says “yes, correct.” Finally, the teacher asks what she believes to be an impossible question: “What did Eve say to Adam after having their 43rd child?” Adam, triumphantly, drives the thumbtack into Rosy’s backside yet again to then hear Rosy yell out “Oh for fucks sake Adam, if you stick that thing in me one more time I’ll snap it in two!”
Thought it was a nice jester
I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.
I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.
He is de-composing.
My carer says I should be able to try the spoon tomorrow.
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey
It's ok though, it still saved me money.
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
He was wrong on many levels.
Ronald McDonald and The Burger King were horrified when they heard the news about Wendy’s gruesome demise.
Apparently, the baconator.
..that the doctors really screwed up my mouth surgery.
I came to work this morning and was shocked to find that our company was bought over by a firm in Madrid.
No one expects the Spanish acquisition.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He is a web designer.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her. I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
I just tell her I hadn't noticed a vas deferens
My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen: Step-daughter: "I'm hungry." Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad." Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?" Me: "Aw why not, sweets?" Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!" Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore." Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore." I had just been out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how hilarious she was with her wit. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a funeral).
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
It’s “A man ran by a campsite” because it’s past tents
Because they're very good at it.
I just don’t know why.