My son said he wanted a DVD on Religion, so I got him one.
Then he said he wanted a tricycle, so I got him one.
Then, a few weeks later, he said he wanted a poster of Will Smith's face, so I got him one.
The next day he said he wanted a coffee machine. I was getting irate now. But hey, I thought, if I get him this hopefully that will be the end.
I was wrong. So very wrong. On the same day he said he wanted a caterpillar costume. Reluctantly, I got him one. Secondhand.
Then he said he wanted something for a friend, a new pair of underwear. I had no idea why he would be giving his friend underwear, and I knew he only wanted them for himself. But hey, I thought, I don't want him to defecate on his clothes, so I got him some.
After that, he approached me, and I was on the verge of an outburst. What do you want this time? I asked him. A sword? A sandwich? A three-headed dog? He said, no, he didn't want any of those things. Except the three-headed dog and the sword and the sandwich.
Look, I said, get on with it. What are you after this time?
He said he wanted a book on festival puns.
I was sick out of it. Sick of his audacity and my empty wallet. I headed for the door to get away, but he grabbed my arm and asked me what was wrong.
I said, Son, you carnival the things you want.
The worst part is the news says this is just the tip of the iceberg and what I need to use as TP tomorrow romaines to be seen. Stay safe kids, Dad
They were originally made in Greece
It's not hard
She was seeing other people
Now I’ve just got beer…
Even their cakes are in tiers.
That she was a little boulder.
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin…
Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.
Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch. Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp." Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one." Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever." The surprised genie said, "You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay. Now your wife gets one wish." Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, "I want a million dollars every week of my life." The genie said, "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I've been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan." Dylan said, "No way!" The genie replied, "Not even for a million dollars a week?" Dylan turned to his wife, who said, "I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves." Dylan said, "Okay, have fun, I guess," and left. Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sex for the rest of the day with the genie. When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was. She said, "Forty-five." The Genie laughed and said, "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"
To make it more classy…
And then it dawned on me.
I cant seem to find a parking spot
James Bond's doorbell
One of them responded, "pho queue." The guy lied. There wasn't any soup noodles.
Now I'm feeling a little down.
📷 son: underwater, dad father: underwater? what do you mean? son: they're below C level
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Me: "No thanks, I'm not much of an athlete. Is it okay if I just pay with my card?"
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
Because he was fingering minors.
"I had an affair with a woman… almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
That's just how I roll.
One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her. Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills ) Policeman: Btw, where did you get all of this money? Did you steal? Old lady: Well, it's a long story. You see, what happened was, my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming and they pee in my garden from the hole. One day, I thought why not take this opportunity to make some money? So when they start pissing, I grab their penis and tell them to give 20$ bills or I will chop it off! This is how I earned these 20$ bills, officer. Policeman: Good to know. By the way, what's in the other bag? Old lady: Well not all of them pay.
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, “Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth.” Reflecting, the man says, “I’ll take the wisdom”
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
I said, “Awesome. What type is it?” He said, “ Two thirty.”
It runs in your jeans
Because of the greatest speech ever written, "Four score and seven ears ago…"