My son said he wanted to go for a spin in the new car.
So I got all of his old Beyblades out the attic.
Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?" The Jamaican replied, "No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day".
It’s not hard.
Turns out, Israel
Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife
Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” she said.
“No.” I said. “That’s buoyancy.”
He's only got little legs
Because travelling through time petrifies them!
He was lacktoes intolerant.
They don’t fuck around.
He said they were freebees.
Bartender says "what's up with the octopus?" Guy says "this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him." There's a band on the stage, so the guitar player walks up and puts down his guitar. Tentacles start flying, and the guitar starts making the most beautiful sounds you ever heard from a guitar in your life. Sax player walks up and puts down his saxophone. Tentacles start flying, and the next thing you know, he's playing the saxophone like a master. At the back of the bar is an old Scottish man, who walks up in his kilt and lays a bagpipe in front of the octopus. Tentacles start flying, but no noise is happening. The guy, nervous, says "come on octopus, what's going on?" Octopus goes "dude, I'm trying to get her pajamas off, you mind?"
‘Really’ I said ‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’ That’ll teach her to be funny
“Yes… but I’ve had some sevens and eights.” She replied.
Then it clicked
They're both thinking "Oh crap, mom is gonna kill me."
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11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of "in" is.
You make the punchline apparent.
Shit, wrong thread.
She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had. I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
You run away. Turns out you can't just stop cold turkey.
They really dropped the ball this time.
But apparently back in the England it's the end of May.
A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar. I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well…until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones…and picked the worst possible one to start with. Here's the joke I told: "What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in." One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago. Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?" "No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."
and I won't rest until I find it.
But it was a bit of a stretch.
Because they lactose
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve…
Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!