My son said he wanted to swim in an ocean someday, any ocean at all.
I told him to be more Pacific.
If pigs could fly…
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
What do you call a zombie father?
The walking dad
Say “Rise up lights” out loud.
Congratulations, you can now say razor blades in Australian.
“Do you wanna hear a ghost joke?”
"DAD, please don…." "That's the spirit."
16 sodium atoms walk into a bar…
Followed by Batman.
Why did the semen cross the road?
I put the wrong socks on this morning
A pretty woman sneezes at a restaurant.
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
What do snowmen call their kids?
Chill-dren
My face! When he says “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA.”!
https://ift.tt/3eOSfbR
It’s the end of the world as we know it and he feels fine, very stable and wise
https://ift.tt/33mh9ZQ
I think my microscope has ADHD.
It refuses to focus.
Did you know Paul walker had real bad dandruff before he died?
Nobody else knew until they found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
My wife’s leaving me because she says I have an unhealthy obsession with Africa…
Kenya believe it? I'm Ghana miss her.
My wife said I was being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
A new study has found that white envelopes tend to be delivered faster than envelopes of any other colour
I guess you could say that there's… white mail privilege
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
Stolen off of r/memes. Go support the original poster. I’ll put his account in the comments
https://ift.tt/2WYsJdm
Did you hear about the new movie “Constipation”?
It Hasn’t come out yet. But Critics are saying it’s crap. And there’s a sequel…. “Number 2”
A navy recruit has his first day on a submarine
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Those were the days
I used to think all black people had boomboxes.
Turned out it was just a stereo type.
6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because he needed 3² meals a day.
What’s dark humor?
A boy asks his mom: "Hey, mom, what is dark humor?" "See that disabled man over there?" She says "But mom, I'm blind" "Exactly, honey"
What do you call a ghosts their parents?
Transparents
I caught my sister masturbating with a carrot.
I was going to eat that later but it will only taste like a carrot now
Teaching my 3 month baby girl C++, wanna make sure she gets OOP by the time she talks.
https://ift.tt/32pWaG8
I’m going to open a restaurant that serves a fusion of Hawaiian and Jamaican cuisines
I'm going to call it Poke, Mon
For Christmas, I’m getting my kids an alarm clock that swears at them instead of ringing.
They are in for a rude awakening.
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully." Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?" God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone" The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"
‘We ran out of protein powder!’
Dad: No whey
Last night i used Vaseline with my wife and came 10 times
Once with her and 9 in the shower trying to wash it off
My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes…
It’s like shooting fish in apparel…