My son said he wanted to swim in an ocean someday, any ocean at all.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,………. Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.” “I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.” “Wow!…………………. That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed. “ Good”, she replied. …………… “Get your own f***ing blanket.” After a moment of silence, …………………… he farted.

"Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

In a cult, there is a person that knows that all of it is bullshit but in a religion, that person is long dead.

…if it isn’t autocorrect.

He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this: I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class. So that night, little Johnny is trying to figure out what his dad meant, and got up to get a drink. On his way to the kitchen, he watched his sister sneak out of the house with her boyfriend. He grabbed his drink, and on the way back to his room, he saw his dad sneak down to the maid's room. The next morning he tells his dad, so I think I have it figured out. His dad asks, so how do you think it works? Little Johnny says: "The unemployed are out fucking around while Congress is screwing the working class, the judicial system is asleep, and the people too young to vote are watching it all happen…"

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

"I want my guitar back."

I asked my 32 brothers and sisters, but they didn't know either.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

Don’t know if this one is in here yet, but here goes: Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet) So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”

He lost track of thyme…

It means a lot to them…

Luckily I was already up, playing drums.

He gets the VIP treatment. Limos. The works. One day there’s a bit of a mix up in his schedule and he finds himself in his limo with just the driver. Nobody else. Seeing the opportunity he asks, “Mr Driver I haven’t had a days peace in decades. One of my old pleasures was to just drive my car. Please, you will be blessed, can I drive the limo?” The driver reluctantly agrees. They swap seats and off the Pope goes. Obviously, completely caught up in the experience he goes way over the speed limit. Only to be pulled over by a state trooper. Trooper knocks on the window. Pope winds it down. Trooper takes one look at the Pope and returns to his squad car without saying a word. The trooper gets on the radio and calls his sergeant. “Boss. We have a problem here.” “What is it?” says his boss. The trooper explains he’s stopped a limo for speeding. “You know how you said to call you first if I ever caught a big fish? I’ve caught a big fish”. “Well who is it man?!” exclaims the sergeant. “He’s a big fish!” says the trooper! “Well who for crying out loud, is he a fellow officer?!” “Bigger fish than that!” says the trooper. “Tell me who it is! Is it a senator?!” “Bigger!” “The governor?!” “BIGGER!!” “Tell me or I’ll have your badge officer!!!” SCREAMS the sergeant! “I don’t know who he is but his driver is the Pope!!”

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus. Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.” Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.” His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.” Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan. On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath. Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door. Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop. Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?” Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!”

A guy goes on vacation in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. So the couple goes to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150. “We’ll ship her home,” says the husband. The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.” The husband says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”

Everyone I ask can't remember either.

Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers. Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.

A lifetime ban from the petting zoo.