my spirit animal
I was going to tell a joke about Noble gases,
But I knew I'd get no reaction.
How Cult45 reacts when someone tells them their Dear Leader said something stupid.
https://ift.tt/2BmbJSE
A stormtrooper walks into a bar and orders a martini
The bartender asks while handing the stormtrooper his drink, "Shouldn't you not be drinking on the job?" The stormtrooper arches his eyebrow, "And hit what I'm aiming for?"
German Dream
We were talking about the American dream in class and the teacher said to a German boy if he had a German dream. He said, "We did but no-one liked it."
How warm is a janitor’s closet?
Broom Temperature.
Don’t know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I’d won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
Went to the grocery store today. They told me gloves and a mask would be enough…
They LIED. Everybody else had clothes on!
Why did the fisherman cross the road?
Just for the Halibut
A clown just held the door open for me,
I thought it was a nice Jester.
I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
Never iron a four leaf clover…
You don't want to press your luck…
*Knock knock* “who is there?”
"Doris" "Doris who?" "Doris locked, that's why im knocking."
What do you get when you mix a Jewish family with fruit?
Apple Jews (Please don’t take this offensively I’m a dumb 12 year old)
A man asks another man to lend him $10 until next pay day. The second man says “sure, here you go. when’s next pay day?”
“I don’t know, you’re the one with a job”
An older man and a 16 year old girl were alone in a room…
The man had initially agreed to the meeting, but he was having some serious second thoughts. He knew what they were planning to do was illegal, and could land him in some serious trouble. Man: I don't know, I'm not sure if I should. I mean, your parents would kill me if they found out. I know they wouldn't approve… Girl: I don't care about them. I care about this. Please. Man: You know it's going to hurt at first, right? Girl: I'm not worried about that. I trust you, I've known you since I was a little girl. I want it to be you. Man: I want to, I really want to, but it's against the law. You're too young. Girl: Oh, come on! Age is just a number. And besides, you know how badly I want it. I've been asking you to give it to me for weeks now. Please! I need it inside me! And with that, the man finally relented. He knew the law, he knew the consequences, but he just didn't care anymore. What he was about to do was worth the risk. The man gave the girl her measles vaccine.
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
When it’s full groan.
Why does a chicken coup have only 2 doors
If it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan. Ok, I'm leaving …..
I don’t know why most people think a dogs life is so easy.
Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.
No Nut November was pretty tough
Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.
I just found out there’s no popcorn in popcorn shrimp
I guess there’s no need to try pot roast.
My relationship with my girlfriend is quite complex.
I'm the real part.
My wife wanted a robot vacuum for Christmas, so I got a cheap knock-off made in Mexico..
It’s called Aye Caroomba.
My son, starting a conversation: You know, Dad…
Me: Of course I know him. He's me.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
I’m outta here!!
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you…don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone…yeah I know, about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that …… French nightie. I love you…can't wait to see you…we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote. "I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."
There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.
The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.
“Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here.”
"But I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."
What’s 6.9?
A great thing ruined by a period