My stupid cousin thinks he’s collected one of every board game ever made.
That idiot doesn't have a Clue.
I decided to quit my job and become a museum curator, but to be honest
I'm just doing it for the Monet
Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,
so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.
It’s really weird playing Uno with a Mexican.
They never get any green cards.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
Just got the perfect tool for making a good indian flat bread
it's a naan stick pan
I recently overheard two chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby. They were bragging about their previous victories
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
A programmer was leaving the house and his wife said “While you’re out, get some milk”
He never returned and the world ran out of milk.
I own a pen that can write under water
It can write other words too
A man’s wife accuses him of “testiculating”
"What the hell is testiculating?" the man asks. Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!" The man considers this for a moment. "Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?" "Yes," his wife answers. "Why?" The man nods. "I thought so. You're ovaryacting."
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Dave walks into a bar
He is served a pint of lager. "1 penny please" said the barman "1 penny? a pint of lager is just 1 penny? said Dave "That's right, all beers are just a penny today" said the barman. after he had about 5 pints, he asks for a bottle of wine "That's also a penny a bottle, in fact you can have 3 bottles of wine for just 2 pennies" said the barman. Dave can't believe it, this is the greatest bar ever. He orders 100 bottles and still has change in his wallet. "How much for a whiskey" he asks "Whiskey is free today, in fact all spirits are free..what would you like? said the barman Dave orders every full bottle from all the shelves and calls for a taxi to take him home and to load up all the booze. Before he leaves he says to the barman "Sir, you are the greatest bar owner I have ever met" "Oh I'm not the owner" said the barman "I just work here" "Where's the owner?" asks Dave "He's in a hotel somewhere with my wife" "What's he doing with her there there?" asks Dave The barman replied "The same thing I'm doing to his business"
Dad Joke of the Century
Operator: 911, what's your emergency? Dad: My wife's going into labor, and I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born? Dad: No, this is her husband
*slaps knee*
https://ift.tt/2OxfOLC
When I was a boy..
My momma would send me down to the corner store with 1$ and I'd come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. You can't do that now… Too many fuckin' security cameras.
Bro, you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar…
…but I don’t believe him…
An ancient mathematical joke
https://ift.tt/2NzJIMz
When does a joke become a Dad Joke ?
When it's fully groan.
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
Why are French omelettes so small?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
What’s it called when a hooker farts?
A prosti-toot
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work.
So I picked up this girl the other day…..
and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" . Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
What do ducks smoke?
Quack.
I think it’s wrong that only one company…
…makes the game Monopoly.
I just saw a Buddhist order a hot dog.
He said, "Make me one with everything. "
The rules for religions and penises are the same.
It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.
I only added a few toppings on my pizza
There wasn’t mushroom
Where do camels go on vacation
Notre Dame
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
I told my wife, “You are so skinny.”
Then I grabbed her by the love handles and said, "Just look at all this skin."
A guy walks into a library…
A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet." The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."
This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be “friends with benefits”.
Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?
This is the 2nd day in a row when google AI has gone insane
This is the 2nd day in a row when google AI has gone insane
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now he’s aware wolf
What do you call it when a redneck dies and is reborn?
Reintarnation
My parents used to give me this gum as a kid, and I bought a new pack for nostalgia
https://ift.tt/3afdd0S