My stupid cousin thinks he’s collected one of every board game ever made.
That idiot doesn't have a Clue.
I told her to get out of my fort.
A homo sectional
A pain in the ass…
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
The second time let me down.
It suffered from withdrawals.
I knew this job would take my sole
Actually, I’ve just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine, the situation isn’t that pressing. The vacuum was very unsympathetic… told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and felt it would all soon blow over! The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and it didn’t say anything, but the door knob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and then…. The curtains told me to pull myself together!
Turns out they meet tomorrow.
In charge of the schedule Yoda was.
The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
It would be a travesty.
When my neighbors asked what I was supposed to be, I sadly replied, "I was supposed to be a lot of things…"
Remains to be seen!
A blast from the past
That would have been real crumby.
An old woman came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
It's a step by step guide.
But when I didn't pay he came back and repossessed my house
When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail