my teacher is 14 and this is deep
News just in: Local police have acquired 1000 bees
They're believed to be used as part of a sting operation
“You look like a guy I dated once,” said this woman in a bar.
I said, "Oh…really?" She said, "Yeah. I didn't see him a second time because I thought he was ugly."
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
Starting a mariachi band with four of my Mexican friends.
We call ourselves Juan Direction
I for one, like Roman numerals
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What do you get when Jason Momoa disappears?
Jason Nomoa!
Why did the writer have his desk next to the window?
He liked to feel the draft coming in.
I’ve been fired from work for putting in too many shifts
Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?
“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.” Then “Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
Juuls aren’t that bad
They are just USB sticks And when you exhale, you get cloud storage.
You’re a Wizard, dad!
Emma Watson?
What do you call a ghosts their parents?
Transparents
What lies on the ground 100ft in the air?
A dead centipede
If you need a job you should apply at Search and Rescue..
They're always looking for people.
A nun gets into a cab and notices that the driver can’t stop staring at her…….
So she asks him why is he staring and he answers, "I have a question I need to ask you but I don't want to offend you." The nun replies, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you have had a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cab driver hesitates for a moment and then says, "Well it's like this; I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." The nun replies, "Okay well, let's see what we can do about that, shall we. There are two conditions though – firstly you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, yes! I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun then says, "Okay then, pull into the next alley." The cab driver does so and the nun duly goes ahead and fulfills his fantasy. They get back on the road and start driving again, but the cab driver soon starts to cry. The nun sees this and asks him, "My dear child, pray tell, why are you crying?" The cab driver says, "You must forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you – I must confess that I'm married and I'm also Jewish." The nun laughs and says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
How to 69
A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.
Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.
My brother couldn’t pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
What do you call an ostrich in debt?
An ostpoor.
When the flutist found out she was making less money than the cellist was making…
She wondered what the bass salary is.
A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke
Dog: Tell me a joke Man: Don’t be silly, you’re a dog Dog: Oh, go on Man: You’re a dog, you won’t understand Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese Man: OK. Knock Knock Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof……….
I’m a big fan of whiteboards.
I find them quite re-markable.
The doc came in and let me know he was here to deliver our baby
I told him that we would prefer if the baby kept its liver.
Asked My Date To Meet Me At The Gym, But She Never Showed Up…
Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
How do you make 7 even?
By removing the S.
My sister bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
The nice thing about bending your bed sheets without someone to help you…
is that when you're done it's easy to clean the floor: you're already half way through. (Might as well have been a "dirty" joke.)
Why were the melons forced to have a small wedding?
Because they cantaloupe. Courtesy of me sick and loopy at the grocery store.
what happens when the pope dies?
another popes up
