My teacher says I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtraction.
I don't get the difference.
Get in the car
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4
Depression happens at the start of the decade now.
I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that he’s a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, “Well, I’m not Happy!”
I said, “Well, which one are you?!” And that’s when the fight began.
I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster. If anything it just made it more sluggish
GF: Really? Me: Yes. George Foreman: How so?
The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?"
…unless you're sure you can handle the Reaper cushions.
Mount Everest. It just hadn't been discovered yet. (compliments of my 8 year old)
Sure enough, right after Obama took office, swine flu.
Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway! ~ My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
No text found
For keeping me off the streets
Waiter: What would you like to order, sir? Termite: Table for two.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Really hope that it isn’t Christopher Robin my house
All that work and nothing to chauffeur it
…I can't pull anything out in time!
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired, too."
The catapult worked well
Sorry, that came out wrong. Ahem. So, I’m giving up. Drinking for the next month straight.
Its not a long poem but its very deep
but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.
My son has asd and though he loves to read jokes and tries to understand why they are funny, introducing wit to him has been difficult. It was more of a surprise than a joke but here goes. We recently moved to India and my wife is missing outdoors and Europe and today she said – oh I really want to go to Disneyland! To which my son said- and I really want a twister! ( Ice lolly). My wife looked at him doting on his innocence and said- Baby your dreams are so simple and innocent! To which my son replied- yeah and yours probably won't come true!
I would tell you, but it’s a little condescending.
– It's about time!
On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.' 'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.' 'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?' 'Anything, Father.' 'I have never seen a woman's breasts, and I was wondering if I might see yours.' 'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.' The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. 'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'… she consented and he fondled them for several minutes. 'Father, could I ask something of you?' 'Yes, Sister?' 'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?' 'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe. 'Oh Father, may I touch it?' The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. 'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give Life.' 'Is that true Father?' 'Yes, it is, Sister.' 'Oh Father, that's wonderful … Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
I'm a dais, I'm a DAIS! I'm a DAIS!
It’s the last time I’ll sleep on the train with my mouth open.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.” The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.” The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.” The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”
I’m an adult now, I can’t keep on calling it sleepy snoozies time.
My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him that I was married now…
…and that's where I sleep.
No one is willing to do it.