My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Because if it was served warm, it would be just water
They said that if my tents get blown away, I won’t be covered.
I've never paid $100 to have a lentil on me.
They consider cows to be sacred.
Because they like to taste defeat.
They were out standing in their field
A carrot. (I'll show myself out…)
It's a vicious cycle…
One shucks between fits.
The bartender asks "Is this a joke?"
She hugged me.
Son: Soy Milk. Dad: Hola Milk, Soy Dad
The doctor gave him a sample pot and said: "Take this and bring it back tomorrow with a sperm sample." The following day, the old man returned and gave the pot back to the doctor. It was empty as the day before. Confused, the doctor asked what happened. The old man explained: "You see, doc, this is how it went: first, I tried with my right hand and nothing. Then, I tried with my left hand, still nothing. So I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with her left one, but nothing. Next she tried with her mouth – first with her teeth, then without them, and nothing. We even called our neighbor and she also tried. First with both hands, then with her armpit and lastly, squeezing it between her knees, but nothing." The doctor was shocked: "You asked your neighbor for help?!" "Yes, doc. But neither of us could open the damn pot."
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?” – “Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot. – “Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer. – “Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”
And boy are my arms legs
15 seconds, give or take.
But I partied like it was $19.99
Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.
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Don’t look while I’m changing!
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities… "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced… "The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out…"How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
You never turn your back on family.
Solo that no one will hear me
I’m going to name my son Phil and from that point on everything I do will be for my son. That’s my Phil Osophy.
I was a bit confused, because I've never met herbivore.
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
They don't want to be spotted.
What a weird thing to lye about