My toe sis
but when I do, he laughs
But I couldn't find a manual.
Their words, not mine.
Well, done done done, done da done, done da done
Police: "hi you're the first people today with their seatbelts on, so we want to give you an award of 5000 dollar." The policeman seeing the happy couple gets curious and asks "what are you going to do with the money?" The man answers: "I'm going to take lessons for my driver's license" The woman: " don't listen to him. When he is drunk he says stupid things!" The man on the backseat: "I told you not to ride in a stolen car!" A voice from the trunk: "did we cross the border?"
It’s a complex complex complex complex. Credit: my buddy Drew
Long answer: yes.
You have my Word.
Cut off its nose.
There would be mass confusion.
They're… hill areas.
… I was already on the highway, when I noticed I forgot my car at home…
that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. Well, I did that and I feel much, much better, but I'm not sure what to do with all these letters.
You get another old lady to say “Bingo.”
One. They’re efficient and not very funny.
They got real mad but it wasn't my fault they didn't have any windows.
He's a small medium at large
One is big and heavy and one is a little lighter.
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.
They would call it crucifact.
Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.
A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him. Robin Hood: "HALT!" "I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!" Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see" Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!" Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest. The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!" "HALT!"
I replied, "No, Im the guy who takes the longest baths in the city".
…he would be the artist formerly known as Prince.
They said she had a mean flow.
The secret service aren’t allowed to yell “GET DOWN” anymore if the president is about to be attacked.
Instead they say, “DONALD, Duck!”
Cuz they're full of BOOS
My Girlfriend has been repeatedly asking me “Are you a character from Alice in Wonderland?” and it’s getting really annoying
My Friend asked me “Are you mad at her?” I replied “Don’t you start too”
It was about a week back.
Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!
I still fell for it.
'What time is it?' 'Dunno, pass me that trombone and I'll find out.' Blows trombone loudly Someone shouts: 'WHOS THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM!!?'
So her husband packs up his things and walks out the door. As he is walking away his wife screams at him, “ I hope you die a slow and painful death!” He suddenly stops and says, “So, you want me to stay?”