My toe sis
What happens when an egg laughs?
It cracks up!
An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, “Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?”, the store worker told her “Yes we do, ma’am.”
She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"
I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery…
Iβve had it right up to here with them!
A man walks into a bar and notices a sign advertising “World famous punch!”
The man thinks, "Awesome! I love punch!" He approaches the bartender and asks, "Hey barkeep, saw your sign. I'd love some punch!" The bartender replies, "Sure thing buddy, you just have to wait in the line." The man looks around and doesn't see anything.
Child safety bad. (Image shared is pic of computer screen for extra boomer-ness)
https://ift.tt/2E4gstA
I hate having body confidence issues…
I've had it up to ear with him.
Did you hear about the guy who accidentally drank varnish and died? He had a terrible end…
But a beautiful finish
My daughter asks me all the time βDaddy, can you put my shoes on?β
βNo, I don't think they'll fit me.β Is my go to answer. Bless her she still laughs and says βsilly daddyβ. Sheβs 3 π
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident…
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer? Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the…" "I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now what the fuck would you say?"
I only lasted a month at the calender factory.
They fired me after taking a day off
If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up…
He should have hired her!
It got removed from other community but I think I can post here. Too good to let it pass…
https://ift.tt/2X4DFVt
Bob the milkman
A couple of guys are at the bar. First guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's been having an affair with Bob the milkman." "What!?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?" "That's right," says the first guy. "Jesus," says his buddy. "Why would Bob the milkman want to fuck that?"
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
My approximately 6 year old cousin told me this joke
Him: will you remember me in 5 years? Me: yes Him: will you remember me in 10 years? Me: yea Him: knock knock Me: whoβs there Him: you forgot me already??
Wireless Application Protocol (WAP) is a technical fashionable for accessing information over a mobile wi-fi network.
Wireless Application Protocol (WAP) is a technical fashionable for accessing information over a mobile wi-fi network. A WAP browser is an internet browser for cell gadgets such as mobile phones that makes use of the protocol. Introduced in 1999, WAP completed a few popularity within the early 2000s, but by means of the 2010s it were largely outmoded by more modern-day requirements.https://ift.tt/2pNZFXJ contemporary handset net browsers now fully assist HTML, so they do not need to use WAP markup for web page compatibility, and consequently, maximum are not able to render and display pages written in WML, WAP’s markup language.
I tried fitting in to a town with wind turbines….
But I just wasn't a big fan.
What do French people say when riding a roller coaster?
OUUUIIIIIIIIII
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.
So china is making phones without Google apps now
Guess it was always my way or the huawei i'm so sorry, I tried
Why do farmers hang bells around the necks off their cows?
Because the horns doesnt work
I went to a premature ejaculator’s support group today.
Turns out I came early.
My son asked, “Dad, what are condoms for?”
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Therapists only care about one thing
And itβs fu*king discussing
They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
Blond woman has been stopped by police becouse of speeding..
Cop approaches the drivers door. "Is there a problem, Officer?" Cop says, "Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?" The woman responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." "You don't have one?" and she responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving." Cop is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" "I'm sorry, I can't do that." cop asks, "Why not?" "I stole this car." Cop says, "Stole it?" And she says, "Yes, and I killed the owner." At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?" "he is in the trunk if you want to see." Cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. The senior officer says, "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The blonde steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?" "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." "Murdered the owner?" She asks. The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?" Woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but spare tire and tools. The officer says, "Is this your car Ma'am?" and she answers, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence." Then woman digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, Ma'am. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner." Woman then replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you this was a repost, too!"
When I die, Iβm donating my body to science.
Itβs the only way Iβll ever get into medical school.
While most puns make me feel numb,
mathematics puns make me feel number.
Hey girl, are you a cop?
… because youβve taken my breath away.
My math teacher put that on the first page of our workbook (still love the effort)
https://ift.tt/3dLSDGV
True house cleaners aren’t just born…
They're maid…