My uncle on the hardest time of his life:
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit."
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night. I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.
He said, “I cum in peas.”
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him. The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes. The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?" The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me." The nurse asks "well do you have any relatives that could help you pay?" The guy says "No, my only living relative is my sister. She's an un-married nun." The nurse interrupts and says "Actually, nuns are married to God." The guys goes "Ok then, send the bill to my brother-in-law."
So they could see the battlefield
His funeral was very low key
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Apparently two ones don’t make it write.
…have the same middle name
If I would get to be the dad of a son, I'd name him Jason so on the moment of his birth I can get up and shout: "Jesus Christ, it's Jason, born!"
I politely declined- I can't deal with high maintenance women.
My self confidence is skyrocketing! A TON of people think I’m sexy at this green light right now….
If any of you have roommates that you love to death, please don't watch this video. For those of you who have those roommates that drive you up a wall and you are questioning your sanity on a daily basis, please watch this video. Video Link: https://youtu.be/ec2giEHgg4I
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.
He always has stuff to do.
I woke up exhausted.
Me: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. Friend: Seriously!? Who!? Me: Uh, I can't remember… I think her name was Reese something? Friend: WITHERSPOON!!?? Me: No, it was with a knife…
Eaten alive by a giant ass crab
He said, “Records are always a sound purchase.”
It’s when I flip your MOM over.
Because he conditioned it.
Never mind she was just at the grocery store
It makes the trunk of the car look better
Thankfully it was just a virus.
The correct term is "turd-world countries".
Dragon 1: It's hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
Because he had a lot of trans sisters
Under the bed she found some serious bondage gear and other fetish material. Horrified, she asks the dad what should they do with him. Dad:"Well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him."