My uncle sent this in the family WhatsApp group
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming." "Yes I do!" "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down." "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" "Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down." "Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him." "Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage." "Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
How does Trump differ from terrorist organisations?
Terrorist organisations take responsibility for their actions.
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
I saw a frenchmen playing a Wii.
He called it a Yes Box.
I WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS
A chemist froze himself at -273°C.
People asked him if he was hurt but he said he was 0K.
How To Date During A Corona Virus Lock Down And Quarantine & Best Date Ideas To Do When Everything Is Shut Down.
https://youtu.be/r_yF1FNcH4Q
A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.
"I'm a turtle", he says. "Oh… who's on your back?" "That's Michelle", he replies.
Do you know what the best way to build suspense is?
No text found
Last St. Patrick’s Day I went out drinking, had a bit too much so I took a bus home.
That may be no big deal to you, but I'd never driven a bus before.
An old wealthy jew is dying and decides to dictate his will
He bequeaths his vast fortune to his two sons. However, the sensible and hard-working Moshe only gets one tavern, while the dissolute drunkard Yasha gets everything else. The rabbi, who came to visit the dying man, tries to instruct him to the path of wisdom: "It's none of my business, of course… It's your money and your sons… But Yasha will drink away all your fortune in six months!!!" "Correct. But where would he drink it away if there is only one tavern in town?"
I poisoned my wifes pita dip
The police charged me with hummus-cide
Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.
We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
What kind of pants do the Mario bros wear?
denim denim denim
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed…..
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room…. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses……. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?" "I remember that, too" she replied softly… He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
I told my boss I was coming in to work dressed as my dad for Halloween.
I didn’t show up.
Three men were sitting together bragging..
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties The first man had married an Indian girl, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done. The second man had married a Chinese girl. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married an Italian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
The parade has been on for more than 1.5 minutes and now I’m confused…
… because at the beginning, the announcer clearly said "Welcome to the 90-second Thanksgiving Day parade!"
Me: Hi! Do you take walk-ins?
Cremator: What
My grandpa always said, “Always try to be the fish going against the current.”
Good man. Got electrocuted every day though.
A DEA agent stopped by my farm yesterday.
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said. “By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied. The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!” I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life being chased by my angry rodeo bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life. I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”
My wife and I are finally going to visit San Francisco to see the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What are you going to do when we see it? Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
Today I got gas for $1.49!
..At Taco Bell.
A priest and rabbi were skinny dipping in a lake when a group of people arrived.
Some belonged to the priest’s congregation and the others belonged to the rabbi’s. The priest and rabbi left their clothes on the other side of the lake and didn't have time to retrieve them, so they got out of the lake hoping to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals, looks over at the rabbi who was running with his hands covering his face. “Rabbi! What are you doing?” he asked. The rabbi replied, “In my community, they recognize me by my face!”
For Halloween, a classmate dressed up as a stormtrooper and shot up the school.
Don’t worry, no one got hurt.
A man is alone in an airport lounge.
A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto, “To fly, to serve”? The young woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. “Winning the hearts of the world”? Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred he tries again this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. “Going beyond expectations”? The woman looks at him sternly and says, “What the fuck do you want”? “Aha”, he says,… "United Airlines".
Why are Canadians so good at sports?
They always bring their eh game
Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?
They can’t defend the towers
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't like the Flinstones but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooooo!!!!
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen that said 'Parking Fine'.
What’s the difference between politics and anatomy?
In anatomy, the asshole is at the bottom.
One day I’ll pretend to be gay. I’ll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected…BAAM!!!
I'll have sex with their boyfriends
There was once a cross eyed teacher
They couldn’t control their pupils
I hate people who take drugs.
Like cops, DEA agents…
A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.
The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. A bystander quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei. The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?" "It's hard to say." . . Co-written by M0ng078
I never believed my friend would steal from his job as a road worker
but then I started to see the signs
I don’t like how shopping centres are so similar..
You see one, you've seen a mall.
What does eating pussy and smoking a cigarette have in common?
The closer you get to the butt the more intense the flavor.
Color Blind
I have recently been diagnosed with color blindness. It really came out of the purple. Don’t hurt me.
Lego stores have finally reopened in the midst of COVID-19…
and people are lined up for blocks.
You know how the Canary islands is a misnomer, since there’s no canaries? It’s the same with the Virgin Islands
There's no canaries there either
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they're always stuffed.
I’m bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies…
But I keep punching up the fuck line.