My uncle sent this to me 1 of 4
Wife’s best friend: how come you never buy her flowers?
Me: I didn’t even know she was selling flowers
I love to tell Dad jokes
But he never laughs at any of them.
For Sale: Slightly Used Chewing Gum
Near Mint Condition!!!
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop functioning?
Your pupils. They dilate.
Leather is great for sneaking around
Because its made of hide
Me: What’s the WiFi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure, how much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what’s the WiFi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase. EDIT: format
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
I always knock on the front door of my fridge …
Just in case there is a salad dressing . This was horrible lol
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
How was the roman empire cut in half
With a pair of Caesars
I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad so I built them a small house.
Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
Why should you never buy a dog from a blacksmith???
Because as soon as you take the dog home it makes a bolt for the door.
Oral sex using telekinesis
Mind blowing
A woman gets a call from kidnappers.
"We have your son," said the kidnapper. "I don't have a son," says the woman. "Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?" "Oh, God you have my husband!"
Something a climate denier told me
I dont know if this goes here but I think you all would find it funny.I was talking to a cousin about climate change (he claims its a hoax and that it is happening, but says not because of humans, in the same conversation). He said something that I just cant understand he said”if a fact CANNOT be disputed than it is not a fact.”Last time I checked facts where facts because they could not be disputed.
life is more complex especially when you choose to own and maintain a fancy 2-door car
https://ift.tt/3cXcxyE
A perfectionist walked into a bar.
Apparently the bar wasn’t set high enough.
I had a dream I was a muffler.
Woke up exhausted.
A wise man once said
With great power comes great electricity bills
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He got a Nobel prize.
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in
Me: Thanks for reminding me
Two artists had an art contest. How did it end?
It ended in a draw.
I’ve never gone to a gun range before.
I decided to give it a shot.
“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
“No idea, they just ransomware.”
A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey.
Bartender: "Wow, that's a hefty order." Guy: "Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay…" Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone. -Next day- The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks. Bartender: "Still not over your brother?" Guy: "No, even more bad news. I just found out that my father is now gay…" Bartender looks shocked, but then just gives the man his drinks and leaves him alone. -Next Day- Again, the same guy enters the bar and orders his 3 shots. Bartender: "More bad news I assume?" Guy: "Yep, uncle this time…" Bartender shakes his head and gives the man his drinks. -Next Day- Same guy, same drink order. This time the bartender throws up his hands in disbelief! Bartender: "DOES ANYBODY IN YOUR FAMILY LIKE WOMEN?" Guy: "Yep….My Wife"
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They’re really good at it.
Idk why marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk
He is basically a giant banner.
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do.
I had sex with an almond tree once
It was at that point in my life i realized i was fucking nuts.
Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.
They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED". The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in. The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog." "A doberman for a guide dog?" The waiter asks, skeptical. "Yes." The man replies. "Dobermans are very loyal. They're easy to train and protective too. They're born for the job." The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table. The second man, excited by this idea, throws on his sunglasses and walks in. The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog." "A chihuahua for a guide dog?" The waiter asks. "A chihuahua?" The man asks. "They gave me a chihuahua?!"
Why did 7 eat 9 ?
it’s recommended to eat 3 squared meals a day
What is the tallest building in every town?
The library- it’s got the most stories 😂😂😂
Have you guys tried blindfolded archery?
You don’t know what you’re missing!
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly…
and as you can see, they were Wright.