My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key
[OC] Why shouldn’t you mention hair or skin while wearing deodorant?
The deodorant gets up in arms over them.
A South American man has died due to stress over COVID-19.
Nobody could control Hispanic.
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled…
But it's hard to say…
My grandfather who used to tell me knock knock jokes from since I was very little told me his last joke before he past away. This is it…
Him: Knock Knock Me: Who’s there? Him: Howard Me: Howard who? Him: Howard you like to be knocking for a change? This joke really made me laugh and I thought I’d share it with all you.
Just started learning Java and I’ve found this masterpiece of a movie trailer.
https://ift.tt/3etceN5
What’s heavier a gallon of water of a gallon of butane?
Water because butane is a lighter fluid.
Television for sale
On my way to work I saw an advert in a shop window that said: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” – I thought to myself, ‘I can’t turn that down.'
What is a Monarchist’s least favorite type of music?
Royalty free music
What is the benefit of living in Switzerland?
Well the flag is a big plus
A Scotsman and an Englishman
Were walking along the beach when they come upon a beautiful Mermaid sitting on a rock. Englishman says "Have you ever been kissed?" She says No, and he kisses her. Scotsman says "Have you ever been fucked?" She says No, he says "Well you are now the tide's just gone out"
If life gives you melons,
You might be dyslexic
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
I walked in on my girlfriend in bed with her personal trainer
I told her this isn’t working out
Why do North Koreans hate jazz music?
They don't have Seoul.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
A young man was talking to his parents
Son: I decided that I'm ready to tell you that I'm gay. Dad: *clenches his fist * Mom: Don't… Dad: *sweats profusely * Mom: …. Dad: Hi gay, I'm dad! Son: Dad, cut it out, I'm serious. Dad: Serious? I thought you were gay
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He never lands.
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you, I have contacts
Why are older men so good at dad jokes?
Their funny bone has groan up so theyre more humerus
I love him
I love him
250 dogs escaped from the SPCA
Police are following a number of leads.
Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, “Head and Shoulders”…
…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
Why is no one friends with Dracula?
Because he's a pain in the neck.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated.
It’s just a curd to me.
Ordered a Stud Finder on Amazon and forgot to give them a shipping address.
Still made it to my door.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
I’ve been involved in a number of integrations, both as a leader and a follower
https://ift.tt/2SXWCb8
My first-time pregnant wife asks “why does it take so long for me to warm up?”
Without missing a beat I responded, "because you're heating for two now." I then proceeded to laugh at my own joke. I feel like I'm prepared for my future as a dad.
How does an octopus go into battle?
Well armed
My friend Lee told me he just found out his wife was pregnant
I told him, "It seems you are a father now, a parent Lee."
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex…
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.
A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?
Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
Me: You made a mean cup of coffee!
Her: So, you like it? Me: I just told you it was average.
The invention of the shovel was ground-breaking.
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