My uncle’s zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died
from being crushed by a giant crab.
So a man comes into a bar…
Wait no… Shit. It was a horse…. So a man comes into a horse….
Idea
Could the r/dankmemes reddit be banning non europeans just as a dank meme?
I was born at a very young age.
No text found
Anti-joke warning
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
Wish me Luke!
It's like luck, but with more force.
I like my women like I like my slaves
Educated and free.
Why does snoop dog carry an umbrella?
Fo drizzle
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
![[X-post] political humor](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/8gmk12ef78v41-400x324.jpg)
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot 🥕
Why is every gender equality officer in a company female?
Because it is cheaper
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested….
I heard they’re gonna give them a really tough sentence
I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
A British doctor says: “In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job.”
The German doctor replies: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job." The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job." The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
Me: I’ve conquered my fear of ghosts!
Therapist: That's the spirit! Me: Oh fuck where
My roommate snapped a pic of me during my office’s virtual March Birthday Party…
https://ift.tt/2UhY4oD
I bought a handgun from a T-Rex..
…because he is a small arms dealer!
What do you call an alien with three balls?
An extrateressticle
Man, I really love my furniture
me and my recliner go way back.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
My son loves my Delorean
So I let him drive it from time to time
I’ve squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby’s face… …
and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
The actor who played Bilbo is really upset that a supermarket opened up right next to his house.
Unexpected item in the Baggins area.
The first time I saw foot porn, I didn’t like it
So after a while I decided to give it another try, and it wasn’t half bad. I guess I got off on the wrong foot
My boyfriend asked me why i never blinked during foreplay.
I said I didn't have time .
There’s this really out of touch old janitor that works at my office building.
At least he’s an ok broomer.
Wanna know what gets me down
Stairs
I am terrified of elevators.
I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
They’ve just found Jeffery Epstein’s diary.
His last entry was about twelve years old.
Boobs are like the sun
You can only stare at them for a few seconds . But if you put sunglasses on, you can stare at them all you want.
My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution
Could this be a red flag?
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing…"Psst…come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit…that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."
