My utility belt is empty…
Now it's just a waist of space.
“Dad, how do you cast spells?”
"You just follow the instructions." "Which instructions?" "Yeah, they're the ones."
I like my women like I like my coffee
Very strong, and given proper credit for their contributions in both the home and the workplace.
![[NSFW] Even Pinocchio knows Epstein didn’t do it](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/almbp0fouzw31-400x381.jpg)
Headache & testicles
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor. The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' Joe is shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him US$ 75,000. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need… A new Suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.' The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see… size 44 would fit fine. Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years sir!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years sir.' Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..' The salesman said, 'Let's see….. size 36. Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! You got it wrong this time! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old..' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you hell of a Headache.'
I put a “Honk if you think I’m sexy” bumper sticker on my car.
My self confidence is skyrocketing! A TON of people think I’m sexy at this green light right now….
Local zoo stopped giving tests
Too many Cheetahs
All my friends claim that I’m the cheapest person that they have ever met.
I’m not buying it.
I called the tinnitus help line
It kept ringing
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says “Hey.”
The horse says "Sure."
What does the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue and you are in deep shit.
Here’s how to fall down stairs:
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 6 Step 10 Step 15 Step 19 Step 23 Step 35
How literally every discussion between frontend and backend web devs looks like
https://ift.tt/2siOYhJ
Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
My dad died recently.
He was in an accident and lost a lot of blood but nobody knew his blood-type. I’ll never forget his inspirational last words, “Be positive”.
I’m deathly afraid of elevators.
I take a lot of steps to avoid them.
The Sunday funny paper is a gold mine for boomer humor. Also, what is it with the big noses?
https://ift.tt/34gMyyz
I think I’m done buying trash bags.
I always end up throwing them away anyways.
I bought my daughter a locket and put her picture in it.
Now she is independent.
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity.
What kind of bees give milk?
Boo-Bees!
I just watched a documentary on beavers.
Best dam movie I've ever seen.
How much time do you have to fix your parachute?
The rest of your life.
A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.
Never knew he was a barber.
Son: Dad, did you know that 1 out of 5 children in the world still face hunger?
Dad: Why isn’t anybody turning the 5th kid around?
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
My wife asked me if I’ve ever peed in the shower.
Me: Yes, twice, accidentally. Wife: How do you accidentally pee in the shower? Me: Well, sometimes I pee while I’m pooping.
Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?
He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.
Why did the coffee file a police report
It got mugged
[German] Und was ist, wenn der neue Rammstein-Song auf dem Index landet?
Dann kannst du ihn dir nur noch von der Ursula Leyen.
What do computers and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless after opening windows.
I’m divorcing my wife…
"I've had enough, I'm going to leave her." "Why?" "She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past mightnight and I'm fed up with it". "What's she doing?" "She's looking for me!"
What’s Jesus’s favourite hobby
Cross fit
A man walks into a library and asks for a book about lubricants.
The librarian points him towards the non-friction section.
My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower.
He has serious selfie steam issues.
Power outages delight me.
No text found
Heard they are making a movie about Coronavirus
Its going to be directed by Quentin Quarantino.
Daughter: “Daddy, why didn’t I get a sunburn?”
Dad: “You can’t, honey?” Daughter: “Really?” Dad: “You can only get a daughterburn.”
A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him
“I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?” The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”
I always carry a stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
