My wife, about a change in packaging that Aldi has applied: “It looks kind of elegant.” Me: “They just care that it uses less cardboard. They’re not flatworms…
Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.” “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.” “He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.” So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?” “Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.” “Where did it go?” Arthur asks. “I don’t remember.”
A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1’s and 0’s
I told him I knew a bit
What do you call a Snowman witha six-pack?
An Abdominal Snowman
Like I get the 80s were nice, but the amount of media that uses 80s nostalgia is getting annoying and dull at this point
Like I get the 80s were nice, but the amount of media that uses 80s nostalgia is getting annoying and dull at this point
Got this from my grandmother today, even had the forwarded remark on Whatsapp
https://ift.tt/2y0m0Wh
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said, "Thank you." I said, "Don't mention it."
My wife and I got in a big argument over how she wanted to give birth.
It was our first midwife crisis.
Why is 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71. Sorry guys.
My dad just got me good.
My husband has been making a lot of pizza lately. He ferments the dough and I have been naming each batch with a pun. The current batch is Yeast Lightning. I texted my dad and asked him to help me think of some new names. He texted back "Just rise to the occasion."
An Xbox One and a PS4 get attacked… Here comes the ambulance!!!
WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU!
What type of underwear does Lara Croft wear?
Fruit of the tomb
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles…. I’m not sorry.
I just won an award for most secretive person in the office
I can't tell you how much it means to me
I don’t have a dad body
I have a father figure
Why are students prohibited from playing Fortnite during school?
It would be really hard to tell where the gunshots are coming from
If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on…
I'd be like, why am I always getting all this money?
During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.
The British general called one of his men over. “Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.” “Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running. He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches. “See, British soldiers are the bravest.” “That’s nothing” said the Russian General “Comrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.” “Da, Comrade General!” The russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl. “Nobody more brave than Russian soldier.” The American general, unimpressed said “Let me show you all what real courage is.” He calls one of his men over. “Private! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!” Without hesitation, the American soldier flips him the bird and says “Go fuck yourself, General.” “See! Now that takes some real balls!”
porno_collection.zip
* sigh * unzips
I buy all my guns from a guy called “T-Rex”…
He’s a small arms dealer…
Welfare Check:
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know…., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well … You started it."
“I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it,” A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
I bought a Christmas tree today.
The shopkeeper asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said “no, it’s going in the living room”.
What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.