My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
What do you call a elephant dancing in a china shop?
Break dancing
Self isolation is getting so bad Iβm starting to crush on my roommate.
And weβve been married more than 27 years!
[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can’t see the bottom of this hole. “I wonder how deep it is.”, the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen….
….nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen….still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try that huge log over there.", says the other. Again, with a struggle, they haul this huge log to the hole, and roll it in. As they wait and listen, and seemingly out of nowhere, a goat runs up and jumps in the hole. As they both look at each other in shock, they hear a tractor coming across the field. Shortly, a farmer arrives, and asks, " Either of you boys seen my goat?". "Yeah!", they both exclaim. "One just came by and jumped in this hole!" The farmer sits back and tells them," No, no. Couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a huge log."
What did the mouse use to build his house?
Cottage cheese
My girlfriend changed when she became a vegetarian
Its like I had never seen herbivore
The UN decided to do a worldwide survey…
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
My wife asked me if I want a handjob or regular sex
I : handjob definitely . She(surprised) : why is that? I : because one in the hand is worth two in the bush
A snake walks into a bar…
The bartender says "How'd you do that?"
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing her suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks. "I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."
What do you call dental x-rays?
Tooth pics
What has two butts and can kill people?
An Assassin
My wife wants to have sex over the telephone.
The bed might be easier though.
I usually wear 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing
Last time I got a hole in one
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
βHow long do you have to do that for?β I asked. βWhen is he too old for it?β βWell, itβs a physical bond between a mother and her child isnβt it? Itβs only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.β βYeah, shut up Joe β I was talking to your mother.β
My wife just called me.
She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous." I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
I’m bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies…
But I keep punching up the fuck line.
If Poly means many then…
Politics means Many Bloodsucking Insects
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
I donβt trust stairs
Theyβre always up to something
I don’t get how Russians didn’t see the demise of the Soviet Union coming
There were red flags all over the place
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle!
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
Smoking will kill you. And Bacon will kill you. But…
Smoking Bacon will Cure it.
A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for Β£250.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joeβs house and said, βSorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.β Joe replied, βWell, then just give me my money back.β The farmer said, βCanβt do that. Iβve spent it already.β Joe said, βOk, then, just bring me the dead horse.β The farmer asked, βWhat ya gonna do with it? Joe said, βIβm going to raffle him off.β The farmer said, βYou canβt flog a dead horse!β Joe said, βSure I can, Watch me. I just wonβt tell anybody heβs dead.β A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, βWhat happened with that dead horse?β Joe said, βI raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at Β£5 apiece and made a profit of Β£2495.β The farmer said, βDidnβt anyone complain?β Joe said, βJust the guy who won. So I gave him his Β£5 back.β
“Barely legal”.
Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.
I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician,
and a Czech one too.
Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.
Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and the prince made a similar gesture, but again Heimlich ignored him. This continued with a duke, a Duchess, and an Earl. Every time, Heimlich continued on without giving them another thought. Late in the evening, Heimlich saw a poor farmer who was holding his throat. He rushed over to him and performed his famous life-saving maneuver. A piece of bread flew from the farmerβs mouth, and he begin gasping for breath. All of the people were amazed. A small boy walked up to him and said, βMr. Heimlich, you ignored the queen when she pretended to be choking. You also ignored the prince, the duke, the Duchess, and the Earl. How did you know that the farmer actually needed your help?β Henry Heimlich looked down at him and smiled. βThe real choke is always in the commons,β he said.
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar
and ordered a drink. βIts a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff,β said the bartender. βJust call me Hoff,β the actor replied. βSure,β the bartender said, βno hassle.β
Why do trees look a little suspicious on sunny days?
They seem a bit shady.
Orion’s belt is a huge waist of space.
Terrible joke. 3 stars.
Never fight dinosaurs..
Youβll get Jurasskicked
A Soviet army is walking through a finnish field in 1939 during the winter war. Suddenly a voice yells at the other side of a hill.
The voice says: "one finnish soldier is equal to ten soviets" The soviet commander sends ten soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire, then silence. Soon the same voice yells again: "One finnish soldier is equal to a hundred soviets!" Angry soviet commander sends a hundred soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire and screans followed by a longer silence. Soon again the same voice yells: "One finnish soldier is equal to a thousand soviets!" Now furious, the soviet commander sends a thousand soldiers and a tank to the hill. They hear even more gunfire and explosions. Then silence. One heavily wounded soviet soldiers crawls from the hill and yells: "Commander! Dont send any more troops, its a trap! Theres two of them!" (I know this joke is super old but idgaf)
My pet spider died so I went to the pet shop for a new one. They were so expensive.
Fortunately, I got one free off the web.
Warning this post is a little nsfw.
nsfw Sorry if I offended any of you. If you need some eyebleach I have a ton.
I just made a list of my top 10 favourite Dad jokes. The first 9 are great but the last one is an absolute cracker
1) great 2) great 3) great 4) great 5) great 6) great 7) great 8) great 9) great 10) An absolute cracker
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes away. A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike–Mike." "Who is it ?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike–it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired." That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams !" "So, what's the bad news ?" "You're in the team for this Saturday's match !!!"