My wife and I are finally visiting San Francisco to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What would you do when we see it?
Me: Letβs cross that bridge when we get there.
What do you call a rude cactus?
A prick Iβm deeply sorry
So I entered my snail in to a race, but I took his shell off to make him faster.
It ended up making him sluggish.
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me
Who else is traumatized from getting bad haircuts?
Who else is traumatized from getting bad haircuts?
Why did the farmer keep forgetting where he left his pigs?
He suffered from hamnesia.
My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!”
I replied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: No, why would I pick you?
Principal: Sorry to call you in, but your son set the school on fire.
Parents: Arson? Principal: Yes, your son.
Smoking will kill you. And Bacon will kill you. But…
Smoking Bacon will Cure it.
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18
I hear balloon prices are up
Itβs due to inflation
Shout out to my GPS
I don't know where I'd be without it
I just watched a documentary on beavers.
Best dam movie I've ever seen.
My deaf wife just told me that βwe need to talk.β
That was not a good sign.
A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow
He now has a rare medium well done
I recently overheard two chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby. They were bragging about their previous victories
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What did Santa say when he caught an elf stealing toys?
don't be elfish!
As I sail away from the island of lollipops…
…never to return, tears well in my eyes as I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. "So long, suckers," I whisper through trembling lips.
[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparentsβ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: βHe had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.β Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. βOh no, my dearβ replies granny. βMany years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ringβ. βIt was just the right rythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.β She pauses to wipe away a tear, and continued, βHeβd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadnβt come along.β
My son asked, “Where’s a good place to get my haircut?”
"From the top of your head, usually," I replied.
What’s the worlds saddest pizza?
"Pepperlonely"
The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral…
What did they say about the couple who had the same shoe size?
They were sole mates
Why can’t you have a nose that’s 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot.
Yesterday I confused the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza”.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Whatβs the difference between a jeweler and a prison guard?
one watches cells and one sells watches
So I picked up this girl the other day…..
and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" . Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day.
My wife has an odd way of starting conversations…
She always starts by saying, βHey, are you even listening?β
Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
I learned the name of Baby Yoda’s mother…
It's "Yomama"