My wife and I bought a water bed recently but ever since then...

Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business

Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions

Aspirin

A man comes home to his wife with a jar of aspirin. "honey, I got you this aspirin" "but I don't have a headache" "great, let's fuck"

You don’t need no stinkin’ tests

https://ift.tt/2U4gadF

I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a “paranoid little weirdo”

In morse code

4/5 doctors agree that Russian Roulette is completely safe

How’s your Work From Home Going?

https://ift.tt/2ZkfS6O

The last 4 letters of “queue” aren’t silent

They’re waiting for their turn

How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?

They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux!

Truck drops ‘human faeces’ all over Toowoomba road

What’s the difference between a good joke and

A bad joke timing

I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can learn to roast beef.

The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history

Edit: Holy shit this blew up

Why did the slave go to college?

So he could pickup his Master’s degree…

A sub concerning the part of the mind of which one is not fully aware

Two Americans were backpacking in Europe

…when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest petrol diner?” The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.” The driver tried again in French and again was met with blank stares and shakes of the head from the two tourists. Getting frustrated, he tried again in Italian, in Spanish, each time receiving nothing but sheepish smiles from the two of them. Finally, he cursed under his breath and drove away angrily. The first American asked his partner: ” Maybe we should learn a second language.” His partner shrugged and replied:” Why? That dude knew four languages and it didn’t help him.”

Two antennae got married

The ceremony was alright but the reception was EXCELLENT!

To the two criminals that stole my calendar:

What do cannibals drink in the morning?

A cup of Joe.

CPR

https://youtu.be/iW7EsC1_HD8

so funy

https://ift.tt/2pEPLrY

As intimidating as her credentials are she’s always been nothing but supportive as I, an art nerd, try my best to keep up

https://ift.tt/3dTVRZA

Iceberg! Dead ahead!

Dad jokes are wonderful and here’s why:

Why.

When backend developer does frontend

https://ift.tt/34gEBbI

Guilty of this!

https://ift.tt/2q3kUp5

Ah yes, the secret life of a programmer

hot

Doing random stuff and praying for code to work

https://ift.tt/2ReriDy

What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?

A fish stick! My 4 year olds first joke.

How many nails are there in a lesbian’s coffin?

None, it's all tongue-and-groove.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles 🐢 The assistant said. “Hardback”. I said. “Yeah, with little heads”

No text found

;)

https://ift.tt/2txEsnb

Arriving home from a shopping trip, a wife was horrified to find her husband in bed with a pretty girl.

Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out: ‘Before you go, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out, so I gave her a pair of your shoes that you don’t wear because they are out of fashion. She was cold, so I gave her the new birthday sweater you never wear because the colour doesn’t suit you. Her trousers had holes in them, so I gave her a pair of yours that don’t fit you any more. Then, as this poor girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use any more?” . . . So here we are!’