My wife and I bought a water bed recently but ever since then…
…we’ve drifted apart.
Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions
A man comes home to his wife with a jar of aspirin. "honey, I got you this aspirin" "but I don't have a headache" "great, let's fuck"
They’re waiting for their turn
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux!
A bad joke timing
Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
Edit: Holy shit this blew up
So he could pickup his Master’s degree…
…when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest petrol diner?” The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.” The driver tried again in French and again was met with blank stares and shakes of the head from the two tourists. Getting frustrated, he tried again in Italian, in Spanish, each time receiving nothing but sheepish smiles from the two of them. Finally, he cursed under his breath and drove away angrily. The first American asked his partner: ” Maybe we should learn a second language.” His partner shrugged and replied:” Why? That dude knew four languages and it didn’t help him.”
The ceremony was alright but the reception was EXCELLENT!
A cup of Joe.
A fish stick! My 4 year olds first joke.
None, it's all tongue-and-groove.
Arriving home from a shopping trip, a wife was horrified to find her husband in bed with a pretty girl.
Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out: ‘Before you go, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out, so I gave her a pair of your shoes that you don’t wear because they are out of fashion. She was cold, so I gave her the new birthday sweater you never wear because the colour doesn’t suit you. Her trousers had holes in them, so I gave her a pair of yours that don’t fit you any more. Then, as this poor girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use any more?” . . . So here we are!’
50 cent ft. Nickelback
It's grounds for dismissal.
I have no idea where it's going.
I’m planning to get down with the kids.
They don't believe in the mixing of races.
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.
She said, “Thanks dad, that means a great deal.”
My girlfriend insists that it says 'dyslexia' but what does she know.
He really Haddaway with words.
I didn’t say anything because he might take a fence