My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.
I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.
RIP Rodney.
Me: Can I leave work early? Boss: Only if you make up the time.
Me: Ok, 45 past 60. Boss: You’re fired.
A woman reported one of her coworkers for sexual harassment because he said he liked the way her hair smelled. The HR rep said that it wasn’t sexual harassment.
The woman replied, "But it was the midget".
My son: The manual in the car says not to turn up the volume of the stereo to the maximum.
Me: That’s ….sound advice.
A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage… After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie.. "It's simple" billionaire boasts… "I faked my age" "Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy…she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks. With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"
Someone keeps leaving celery on my doorstep…
I think I'm being stalked! EDIT: a word
I saw a homeless guy living in a tyre. I did him a favour and punctured it.
Now he's living in a flat
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What does ED stand for?
Nothing, it stands for nothing.
How do flat earthers travel the world?
on a plane.
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir, We have terminated your internet service due to illegal copyright violation practices. Sincerely, Your ISP
Family friendly, short comedy skits. Hope you enjoy!
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLdyvNZPJZJucPl3l_p191g5IXemEtpOfg
I finally told my friend I have been sleeping with his mom…
I have been sleeping with my best friend's Mom now for many years. It has really torn me up as I am pretty sure he suspects it but is something we have never talked about. We have been really good friends now for 20+ years. I feel even worse because of how much he as looked up to me and how much I have helped him through. At this point there is no way I can break it off with his mother. Finally I have decided to tell him over dinner and drinks and I invite his mother to come. I was holding her hand under the table the whole meal (since she sat on my side). We finish the food and I finally just come out and say it: John, I have been sleeping with your mother for the past 20+ years, I don't want it to ruin our friendship. John just looks at me for a solid minute and finally says: Jesus Dad I kind of figured that one out for myself!
Why do flamingos stand with one leg up?
If both were up, they'd fall down.
New British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson
held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.
The first rule of Alzheimer’s Club is.
No text found
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
I wasn’t sure if I liked my beard…
But it’s growing on me.
(At parole hearing) Officer: Why should we release you?
Man: I th.. Officer: Yes? Man: The reas.. Officer: Go on. Man: May I please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
I was racking up to play pool with my son, and he said, “Do you wanna break?”
I said, “We haven’t even started. How lazy are you?”
I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn’t swim.
The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.
I burned 2,000 calories yesterday…
Left the brownies in the oven for too long
Shout Out To My Grandpa
Because Thats The Only Way He Can Hear Me
[NSFW] Did you hear about the drug addicted duck?
It couldn’t stop getting high on quack
I think my wife is secretly putting glue on my antique weapon collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
“Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!”, says a white man to a Chinese national.
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national. "But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!" "No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"
“Welcome back, everybody” is apparently not a good way to start your speech
if you're the best man at your buddy's second wedding.