My wife and I got in a big argument over how she wanted to give birth.
It was our first midwife crisis.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
We’d better get some support or people will think we’re nuts.
What’s the difference between my husband and Gollum?
A ring actually means something to Gollum.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
$10
So a guy walks into a brothel. He only has $10 in his wallet, but he's truly desperate, so he asks the madam what he can get for it. She says "nothing. Try your luck in the streets or come back with some money." He says "please, I'm so desperate. Isn't there anything you can do for me?" Reluctantly, she says "well, we have a chicken. I suppose for $10 you can do what you can with that." The guy's unsure, but he hands it over and goes for it. Surprisingly, the chicken feels pretty good. He gets off and goes home. Next week, he goes back to the brothel with $10 and says "hey, can I see that chicken again?" The madam says, "I'm sorry, sir, the chicken passed away. But we do have a show tonight. Admission is just ten dollars." He agrees and squeezes into the auditorium. Two beautiful women are licking each other all over. He nudges the guy next to him and says "hey, this is pretty good!" The other guy says "you should have been here last week. They had a guy fucking a chicken!"
What’s green?
What's green and has wheels? Grass.. I was lying about the wheels
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex…
He's a small arms dealer
I’m not sure what confused the mailman more…
the fact that I came to the door naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
A linguistic professor was giving a lecture.
" In English, a double negative becomes a positive. But it is not true for every language. In Russian, a double negative still remains a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative." Student – "yeah, right".
What is blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue.
On a plane is full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.
One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and say "I'm not a doctor, but…
You Matter!
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy…
A kiss can make your day
But anal will make your hole weak
What has two butts and kills people
An assassin
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white horse fell in the mud
ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?
Looks like reindeer!!
a book just fell on my head…
i've only got my shelf to blame….
What kind of doctor was Dr. Pepper?
A fizzicision
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
What do you call a sketchy Italian Neighborhood?
The Spaghetto
Pilot, copilot joke.
Pilot and copilot are getting ready to land. The pilot says, "I've heard this airport runway is pretty short so I may call for some extra flaps. The copilot acknowledges. They break through the clouds and see the runway. The pilot says to the copilot, "yeah, that's a pretty short runway. Give me quarter flaps. Copilot adds quarter flaps. They get closer. The pilot says, "Damn, this runway's is pretty short. Give me half flaps. Copilot looking a bit nervous gives him half flaps. The pilot now is getting pretty nervous, "crap that's a short runway, give me three quarter flaps!" The copilot starting to sweat gives me three quarter flaps. They're about to touch down. The pilot yells, "holy crap this is a short runway! Give me full flaps!" The copilot panicking gives him full flaps. They touch down apply full brakes and reversers and somehow manage to stop the plane. After they come to a halt, the pilot wipes his brow and says, "damn! That was the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The copilot looks around and says, "yeah, but sure is wide".
Smaller babies are always delivered by stork…
…but the heavier ones need to be delivered by crane…
Why do some people post long jokes here?
This isn't where they be long.
A nun is having a bath when she hears a knock of the door….
She says "who is it?" "It's the blind man" comes the response. Ok, thinks the nun. "Come in then". In walks the man; "nice tits, now where do you want this blind?"
![Home made 4D cinema [NSFW]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/2v2x88ohi6941-400x583.jpg)
I beat my swimming coach in a boxing fight.
He threw in the towels.
It is a poor musician that blames his in cement…
*instrument. … darn autocorrect just screwed up my post.
The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old
I'm finally above average for something
I came home drunk from the bar last night, and the wife wasn’t happy.
"How much have you had to drink?" she demanded. "Not much" I slurred. "Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the bar, which one is it?" I paused for a second and said "It's you, I can tell by the voice."
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
Today I learnt that humans eat more bananas than monkeys
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey
