My wife apologised for the first time today.
She said she was sorry she ever married me.
Put some desks and a blackboard in my living room today…
To make it more classy…
I killed a chicken last week
Now I Think Iâm getting haunted by a poultrygeist
There was an emperor who was great at measuring things.
He was an excellent ruler.
Wife: I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
I like my women how I like my whiskey
Strong, Irish, and at least 18 years old.
Why was it called the dark ages?
Because of all the knights.
Some bloke walked up to the counter and said..
âBurger and chips, please.â âCertainly, Sir,â I replied. âAre you eating in or taking out?â âFuck off you cunt,â he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
Three girls are in the back seat, their parents are in the front
Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet? Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born. Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy? Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head. Girl 3: Jwoandbwoqmsbonbf, whwhsbsowngk Father: Shut up cinderblock
What’s the difference between a piano, fish and glue
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish
You know what is really odd?
Numbers not divisible by 2
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears.
The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then, one night while watching the News he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 10th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans!" "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"
Did you hear about the new restaurant in town called Karma?
There is no menu. You get what you deserve.
Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.
For example: Ben is in a hurry. Vs Ben is in a comma
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I just donât understand why she feels that way.
I got a job working in a hayfield…
After one day, I bailed…
I always get sad when I crush my drink cans.
Itâs soda pressing.
Iâm tired of seeing âHey OP, I slept with your mom last night!â every time I post something on Reddit.
I shouldnât have told my dad what my username was.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
A man walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing
"What are you doing?" He asked. "I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free." The husband begins packing his bags. "What are you doing?" asked the wife. "I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."
I asked the guy in the store where is the terminator dvd …
He responded, âAisle B, Backâ
I really hope mailmen donât start getting the Coronavirus
Theyâre really good carriers
Great wine is like great jazz…
It confuses me and Iâm pretty sure itâs all the same.
When I was young, at bedtimes…
My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
Oh, look! A stained dress! Something Banana Republicans actually think is impeachable.
https://ift.tt/36Ho80K
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
Apparently, Iâm in the secret service.
Been so many years and nobody told me.
What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer?
The serial killer might listen if you plead with them
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?[NSFW]
Smallpox HAPPY TURKEY DAY!
When William joined the army,
He disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
A man went into a toy store and ripped the arms off of every teddy bear in the store. Why did the judge let him go free?
He had the right to bear arms.
Have you ever tried eating the clock
Its very time consuming
I was bored so I dug three holes in my backyard.
My wife came home and said "Well, well, well…"
They always tried their best
They always tried their best
A man is staying at an old fashioned pub/inn
Downstairs in the tavern he is drinking before retiring to his room. The innkeep approaches him and proposes a challenge. He has a magical chicken that will grant him one wish if he can beat her in a trivia contest. The man is bemused but accepts the challenge, figuring thereâs no harm in indulging him. The man brings out the hen from the back room. The innkeep explains that she only speaks Spanish, but he will translate. The man also speaks Spanish so they decide to have the contest in Spanish. They begin the trivia battle and the chicken wins decisively. The hen speaks perfectly Spanish and answers every question accurately. The man is blown away, a little disappointed not to get his wish but deciding that the novelty of a genius talking chicken was worth the time anyway. He tells in the innkeep about how he didnât anticipate having such an interesting evening. The innkeeper laughs and says âNo one expects the Spanish Inn quiz wish hen.â