My wife asked me “Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?”
Apparently "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer.
what do you call a canoe that’s 50% off?
A sale boat.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
Dad jokes are the best
Wife: I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad Wife: No you're not.
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
I woke up this morning and saw my neighbor slumped over his lawn mower, crying his eyes out.
He was growing through a rough patch.
“Officer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?”
Cop: It’s a…moving violation.
[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
What’s the difference between The Bloods and Superman?
One gets killed by kryptonite, the other gets killed by Crips tonight.
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
If An Anti-Vax Kid Had a Theme Song, What Would it Be?
The Final Countdown
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity.
I walked into the library and asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.
She said: "They're right behind you."
Just spent 6 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt…
It was a complete waist of time…
Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
What’s Gordon Ramsey’s favorite Disney movie?
IT'S FUCKING FROZEN!!!
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' Catholic!
Never have sex with a wizard…
I did once and I got Hogwarts. Now they won't quidditching.
The Bristol Zoo Parking Attendant
Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees for cars $1.40, for buses $7. Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee. The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll. Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day — for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars … and no one even knows his name. Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/fake-parking-attendant/
I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver…
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
The person who invented the wheel to make life easier is so lazy
All he did was cut corners
Two Dragons walk into a bar
Dragon 1: It’s a bit hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
Someone toilet papered my house last night
Now it’s worth $875,000
Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.
He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.
How do you turn a boat into a hat?
Just turn it over, and now it's capsized!
A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?
Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.