My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
I don’t like how shopping centres are so similar..
You see one, you've seen a mall.
When 2 people have sex, its a twosome. When 3 people have sex, its a threesome
Now I know why people call you handsome
I was at the beach today and I saw a man in the water shouting, “Help! Shark! Help!”
I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him…
I saw my nephew after a long time, and said “Wow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last!”
He said, “No. I still have two.”
I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people
Now I am at the hospital.
I’m going to hell for this one….
A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were sitting together on an airplane. The pilot comes over the PA and says “I’m sorry folks, but we’ve just lost both engines. We’re going to crash and die.” The teacher exclaims “Oh my God, the poor children!” The lawyer replies “Fuck the children!” The priest asks “Do we have time?”
I never understood school shooting jokes
I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience….
What do you call a rude grape?
…….Ungrapeful
Nine months isn’t really that long…
It only feels like a maternity!
My landlord said he needed to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is…
I told him, "Anytime, my door is always open!"
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
Three Jewish women are eating lunch. The waiter comes over and says…
is anything okay?
“Diana!” I said greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door…
She said, "My name's Anna." I said, "Yeah, I know."
I have a stepladder…
It's a very nice step ladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.
I’m frightened of elevators
I’m taking steps to avoid them now
I’m convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything…
…except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.
9/11 jokes aren’t funny
The other 2/11 are quite good though!
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage…
I lost my case
Here’s a picture inside of the busiest railway station ( Howrah Station) in India!
https://ift.tt/2Pxb34x
Hope i’m not the only one that has experienced this
Hope i’m not the only one that has experienced this
“Father, why is my name ‘Rose’?
"Because just after you were born, a rose petal landed on your head when we were leaving the hospital." "Is that also why my sister's name is 'Daisy'?" "Yes it is." "eherrnnanenhahenrnanehh" "Quiet, Brick"
What has two butts and kills people?
an assassin
What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?
They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.
How to tell the gender of an ant?
If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats…
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the bartender, "What's that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "How big are the cats!?"
As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself…
"Maybe a career as a tour guide isn't right for me?"