My wife asked me “what starts with f and ends with k”
I said "No, it doesn't".
My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,
and I don’t try to run mine.
A girl saw her boyfriend flirting with other girls at the gym
She walked up to him and said this isn’t working out.
First-year veterinary students were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked on it…….followed by assorted gagging, retching and spitting. When everyone had finished wiping their faces, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
what do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o-acid 😂.
How do billboards talk?
Sign language
A presidential aide says to Trump; “Sir, I had a dream about your parade yesterday night.”
"Was it yuge?" Trump asked, visibly interested. "Oh, yes," said the aide, "there were millions of cheering people turning out to celebrate all along the streets." "Was it tremendous? Trump asked, visibly excited. "Oh, yes," the aid replied; "You were in a huge carriage, flanked by all the members of your family and cabinet. They were also very proud and happy, particularly your wife." Trembling with excitement and rubbing his hands together, Trump questions the aide: "And tell me, was I looking good?" The aide replies: "I didn't know, sir. The casket was closed."
A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.
He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man. "I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man. "Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man. "I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man. "These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man. "Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated. As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!" "Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.
My grandfather always said, “Be envied, not envious.”
I’m so pissed off I didn’t think of that quote first.
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
If you get into a pillow fight with death…
Be prepared for the reaper cushions.
Welcome back to the plastic surgery addicts support group
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here and I must say I'm very disappointed…
I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night
When the wife said to me, “You spoil those dogs.”
My wife made me a millionaire
Granted I was a billionaire before I met her.
Whats the difference between a dog and a tree?
Their bark 😎
Sperm donors wanted
Please come quickly.
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, “What’s his name!?”
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
Why is “yacht” spelled that way instead of like “yot?”
Because why nacht.
An Apple Store in Minneapolis reported losing $200,000 in inventory to riot-related theft.
'Thankfully the looters took nothing but two iPhones' the store's associate manager said.
What’s the opposite of a waterfall?
A firefly
I‘ve been trying to open the bra of my girlfriend for 20 minutes now…
I wish I had never put it on.
My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.
I can't read a fucking word now.
Where do mollusks find books to improve themselves?
The shellf help section.
What do blind people do when they get sick?
No, seriously. It's not like they can go see a doctor
When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.
He said, “Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.”
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller!
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
If Russia were to revert back to the Soviet Union than…
I guess it would be a Soviet reunion
This morning, I accidentally made my coffee with red bull instead of water…
… I was already on the highway, when I noticed I forgot my car at home…