My wife came home from the doctors today and was looking all pleased with herself, so I asked her why she was so happy. She said, “The doctor said that for a 45 year old woman, I’ve got the breasts of an 18 year old.” I snickered, “Oh yeah and what did he say about your 45 year old ass?”
She laughed, “Your name never came up in conversation.”
When do we want them? NNNNNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWW!
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
So i took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I was an iWitness.
to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
No, seriously, it is.
I said: "Well I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete yet."
You get 8 more!
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
Because when she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Grandma is taking it particularly hard.
It's my thirty second birthday after all.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
I suck at gardening
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
THAT'S A SALT!
I'm going to try the meatballs next time.