My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make things interesting.”
So we stopped playing chess.
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
A dude was wondering why a rock was getting bigger
Then it hit him
I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
It’s like Coke and Pepsi fr
It’s like Coke and Pepsi fr
An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.
When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home. The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: Who is that? Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!
Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday
He buried someone in the wrong hole. It was a grave mistake.
Went shopping for cherries and a microphone the other day.
Bought a bing. Bought a boom.
The soviet union was doomed to fail
The red flags were everywhere.
Why should you be worried if you see cows smoking marijuana?
Cause that's when the steaks are highest.
You can drop an ant in water to determine its sex
If the ant sinks – girl ant If the ant floats – boy ant
I occasionally enjoy leaning on things.
When I'm so inclined.
I farted while putting the baby to sleep, and it startled her and woke her up.
She got a second wind.
Very few people know about the first ever female vegan
Nobody has heard of herbivore
I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ DVD.
It was here a minute ago.
A racist man walks into a bar…
He sees a black man sitting casually at the side, and is disgusted by the sight of him. He then waves to the bartender and says, "I'd like to order a beer for everyone here except the black guy." As everyone else is treated to a beer, he looks back at the black man in hopes of getting a reaction out of him. The black man still sits casually, this time with a smile on his face. Confused and annoyed, the racist man waves again to the bartender and says, "another round for everyone except that same man." As everyone else enjoys their second beer, the racist man looks back again at the black man, who is still smiling. visibly angered, the racist man calls the bartender over a third time and orders a another round of beer for everyone except the black man. He then looks at the black man one more time, and sees him laughing. Furious, he rushes back to the bartender, points at the black man and asks, "Okay, what the hell is up with this guy?" The bartender then replies, "Oh, you didn't know? He owns this place."
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
What do you call a timely dinosaur?
A prontosaurus
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
My wife got mad just because I hoovered up her contact lenses
Well, I guess she was wearing them at the time.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
Hey kids! I put that Waze app in charge of my music playlist.
It keeps telling me to take the Backstreet Boys!
How does NASA throw parties?
They planet.
The western world
A copypasta
My wife has an odd way of starting conversations…
She always starts by saying, “Hey, are you even listening?”
A new element was discovered!
Scientists’ initial findings on the new substance had lead them to believe it was highly explosive, however they simply could not determine what forces were to trigger this reaction. They dropped it from the highest cliffs, and crushed it in the deepest oceans. They tried igniting in it the sunniest of locations, and in the darkest of crevasses. They subject it to the hottest temperatures they could muster, both natural and manmade. And yet, the material was unwavering, refusing to yield to any force…until a scientist suggested the impossible. “What if it only explodes when it’s really cold?” Out they set to test the theory. Sure enough, as the temperature grew ever colder, the element began to show signs of degradation. Excitedly, they began pushing the temperatures even further into the freezing zone. As the temperatures reached nearer and nearer to 0 Kelvin (absolute cold), the element continued to increasingly react. Finally, when the temperature reached approximately that of 0 K, there was a blinding flash as the element exploded before their eyes, leaving a gaping hole on the laboratory bench. As the applause from the team of scientists began to die down, relieved of finally solving the mystery, one of the senior scientists boldly asked, “so what do we name this newfound element?”. Amongst the thought that ensued, one of the younger scientists was quick to make a suggestion… “0 K Boomer”
What does COVID and riding a motorcycle have in common?
You can do everything right but other people can still fuck you over.
Every time my doorbell rings, my dog runs to the corner…
He's a Boxer…
What’s a web developer’s favourite tea?
URL Grey.