My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
My grandma told me this one
An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear and answered. When he finished, he explained that he has a microchip installed in the palm of my hand. The Irishman, feeling very low tech, came up with a brilliant idea as to not be outdone. He left the sauna to go the bathroom, and came back with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The two men raise their eyebrows at him, and he says: “Will you look at that! I’m getting a fax.”
I got some bed risers last night.
I'm moving up in this world..
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints.
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5
She asked "what's that?" I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
My wife got really mad at me because I don’t have any sense of direction…
So I packed my bags and right.
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily my injury’s were only super fish oil.
I once went on a date with a cross eyed girl
It turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time
My wife’s mother is a lawyer.
I have a mother-in-law.
Shoutout to my grandparents
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint.
Both crews have been marooned.
Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…
2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform,
I thought it was a bit odd. Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.
I tried to get some storm insurance for my campsite, but I was denied.
They said that if my tents get blown away, I won’t be covered.
I got mad when my teacher told me I was an average student.
It was just a mean thing to say.
My son is a male trapped in a female’s body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.
For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.
Joke
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
Footage of trump preparing for rally
https://ift.tt/3dmaDqK
Who is the coldest comedian?
Bill Brrrr…
i had sex for an hour and 24 seconds last night
thanks daylight savings
Did you hear about the water bottle that got recycled?
He got plastic surgery.
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.
I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.” He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”
Today I went to a support group for premature ejaculation.
Turns out they meet tomorrow.
Making love for the first time
Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this night to be magical" so after we made love i disappeared
I just started buying stock from the market
I have beef, chicken, and vegetable. One day I hope to be bouillonaire.
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
I really need to fix my watch but…
I never have the time
Where do suicide bombers go after they die?
Everywhere. Edit: Whoa thanks for the toilet seat.
My wife and I are both feminist
But, as a man, I'm just a bit better at it.